stay at home mom

So a big part of me wishes I wanted to be a stay at home mom. You read that right, I want to want to be a stay at home mommy, but I don't. Does that make me a bad mommy? My mom stayed home with me and I think it made a huge difference in my life. But I like to work. I don't always LOVE my job or people or kids, but over all, I do. By the end of the day, the little man and I are over each other. Now, I fully recognize that this could be pregnancy induced exhaustion/irritation. This week has been further exasperated by the fact that mom is out of town. I now realize how much her 30 minutes here 5 minutes there really help. On top of that, I think he is growing out of his second nap. So he acts tired around 2:30 ish, he kind of naps/whines for 30 min, naps for maybe another 30 minutes, and cries to be gotten.  Then acts like a butt head for the next 2 hours until dinner. Is it ok to call your own child a butt head?  I give myself permission. Later I can blame it on pregger hormones.

Today little man and I went to a friend's house to swim. I have worked with her as long as I have been teaching. She has a son that is going to the same college I graduated from and a daughter in high school. It was soooo nice to talk to someone else. I feel like I am bugging my friends because I keep calling them and no one answers. I don't want to be a pest. Anyway, she is not a phone person, so the only way we talk is when we get together.

 I guess the hardest part of this summer is feeling isolated. Another friend from work put on her facebook that she was getting together with her girlfriends to go see Magic Mike. Then she listed a whole bunch of people that I socialize with at work. It made me feel pretty left out. Gah what am I, a 5th grader getting my feelings hurt for not being included?? Another friend had a birthday party. It was just bowling and wings, but again not invited. I know her through my sister -in-law, but we hang out too.  I have always been the one that was forgotten. When it comes up in conversation (not by me, I hold this in) people are like "Oh,  you should have come!"  What am I going to say- "I wasn't invited?" No- I just say "Next time, for sure." Then it doesn't happen. I think this is why I try to plan things, so I don't get left out. No one calls me to talk, I have to reach out first. I am not talking about people who live far away, my friends that are scattered across the country are busy people with kids and I feel we talk often. I mean my friends around here. I worry sometimes I think I am better friends with them, than they regard me. Am I that girl, the girl that thinks "we are such great friends" when really they are like "her? yeh she is nice."

What the hell is this insecurity?