Tuesday, January 21, 2014

what is it?

So there is all this research to back up what most of us already know. The "everyone wins" mentality just ill prepares children for adulthood.

My parents let me struggle (although everyone did get a trophy the one year I played soccer, but it is a team sport... and we did win....) But I was also told how awesome I was. So I have an administrator who is making me feel un-awesome. Is it because I am ill prepared for criticism'?

I have not been  as good as I should have been at paper work. I am doing the work.. I just have sloppy files. One admin tells me that it is just one of those things. We just have to prove our work. And that was that. I left feeling empowered to do better. The admin who is actually in charge of the files... makes me feel like an idiot for missing a coversheet. What is worse, is now he is constantly checking in on me. Like daily.   And every time he does it makes me feel untrusted and incapable of doing my job. I took his advice directly, and he still is trying to hold my hand. Even if I don't agree with it 100%, I did not do it right the first time, so best to follow the bosses advice. Not that it necessarily bad advice, I just don't think it will work in this case.

He sat in on a meeting (which he would have been invited to anyway) and I felt like I had to look at him constantly to make sure I was saying the right thing, or  asking the right questions or if my ideas were valid. This is where he brought up the idea to change things that I don't really agree with. I have a very distinct feeling that the other admin would agree with me (basically because he has said  as much in the past.) But how do I do that... with out going behind admin 1's back? And if I am right, how do I bring that up?

I feel stupid and incapable- My confidence is gone... this is a first for me.

Friday, January 3, 2014


So I am the kind of dork that listens to NPR all the time. Who would have guessed?!
There as a story that was talking about all our identities. Our labels. Our "identities," if you will.

So I have sooo many hats. so many identities.

I have spent quite a lot of time trying to figure out how to order them... I just don't know. There really is not a true order to this. I feel like if Christian is not first, then I am betraying my faith. If Mommy is not first, I am betraying my kids.

So here it is in absolutely NO order.

Teacher, Christian, Mommy, Wife, daughter, niece, cousin, best friend, the secret weapon, photographer, thinker.

There are times when each of those has been really hard, times when I did not think I could be those things, and sadly times when I did not want to be those things.

Just because something is your identity, does not it is what you are 100% of the time. Who can do that? Who can be "on" all the time?? Not me.

This year I have questioned my title of teacher quite a bit. It has been a very challenging 2 years. It has gotten better in recent months, but boy oh wow, it was work to get here. I take GREAT pride in being a teacher and it felt like an identity crisis  when I questioned it.

Like Who was I? I had that same insecure feeling you get when you are contemplating breaking up with a long time boyfriend/girlfriend. You (well,at least I would) would start to think, but how will I find someone as good? I am not good enough for something better/different.

And the truth of it is- I have no idea what I would do if I left teaching. It is not like there is huge job market in the first place. I think I would like to work for a text book company developing curriculum. I can sell...

In all honesty, things have gotten better and I don't want to run for the hills screaming any more. But, at the same time, the feeling is not completely gone either.

As a Christian my biggest challenge is to remember to continually develop my faith, because that task is never done. I am a fervent prayer. But my study is weak. I need to know my bible better.

I LOVE and adore my children. I miss them after I put them to bed and feel like my heart will burst when I am away from them. BUT when #2 is crying in the cart at the department store for solve-able reason, and # 1 is demanding Thomas the Train on my phone, and all I want are a pair of jeans that actually fit. I need a moment. I need a moment before I become "that" mom in public. Not to say I haven't been, nor that it may happen again, but breathing is so very important.

My husband and I have a solid relationship, mostly because he is wonderful. Sometimes he is so wonderful, I don't realize I have been selfish. I have to make sure I am doing for him as much as he does for me, he deserves it, we deserve it.

Those are the hardest for me. The others have challenges, but they don't keep me up at night.

I just need to be conscious, so I can be better.