pumping iron

Not in the traditional sense of the phrase.
Sweet baby boy, just like his brother, refused to latch and breastfeed. Even the lactation specialist was dumbfounded and told me "just keep trying," as she gracefully bowed out. So I am relegated to spend about 6.5-7 hrs of my day and night pumping iron filled breast milk. I have presently re-read the Hunger Games series. I have also read The Life of Pi, a few of the Oz books, 2 glamor magazines, the latest National Geographic and Smithsonian, and every article on NPR's website. There has been a lot of solitaire on my phone. Then of course there is Netflix. I started Buffy the Vampire slayer from the beginning. I am in the middle of season 2.

I am doing this because it is the best option for my boy, but it is hell on me. It is hell on my sleep, my emotional state, my body and my time. I feel selfish for not liking it and secretly hoping for a genuine excuse to stop. I get nauseous and very tired when I pump. It is from oxytocin, it is "normal," just annoying, there is also the stomach cramps. Not my uterus cramping down to size, but full on crippling gas pains.   I know I wont stop, not until I get ready to go back to work, but that doesn't stop me from being slightly "over it."

I have been much more emotional this postpartum round. When my friends, mom, or husband is having a hard time, I feel myself getting sad and depressed for them. A girl from our area went missing yesterday, and I had a full on melt down thinking about the girl, especially her poor parents. I cried and cried. My mom is all stressed out, and her complaints super stressed me out and I cried over that.

I don't feel depressed, I have had plenty of that in my life, and I know how it feels. I just feel volatile. I haven't been snappy or angry, just like I am on the edge of a melt down. When I feel depressed, I just want to sleep, I don't want to clean, I don't want to talk, I just want to sleep. I don't have that now, just overly emotional responses.

I have every desire to love and hug my boys. I don't feel like not picking them up or ignoring them or God help, hurting them.  Well, maybe I want to spank Eli when he runs away from me laughing when I tell him he is going into time out for touching the TV- again. but I digress.

It is going to be a long 4 weeks until I go back to work. But I believe it will get better, I know it will.