Disappointed

So I know how I just wrote this whole thing on how my personality type thinks the best of people and they tend to bristle if they think they are not going to reach my expectations and how that is not how it really is. I will just lift them up if they fall short in my eye- which isn't even the right way to say it. Most people don't fall short- I just see opportunities to help, not to look down on.

So that is not entirely true. If someone does something that is WAY below them. If someone I trust and expect the best out of does something truly low, I do become disappointed.

So my grade level has a leader who is our "go to" person. They have bi monthly meetings with administration, they lead our team meetings. They are supposed to be organized and set the tone for our group. Sounds like a general description of anyone in a mid level leadership position.

When I first met this person, I felt we had a lot in common. She stepped up when my car broke down and I needed a ride to work for a month.

Over the last 5 years, she has slowly slipped lower and lower in my rank of people I want to be in the same room as. Here is another thing you have to understand. I will stick with someone, even if it is not good. Boys always break up with me, I am not the one to break up. I will hold on the scraps of a friendship because I feel there is always something worthy in that friend, even if we have drifted. But, I think I need to distance myself as much as possible, or I may be the recipient of her wrath very soon.

Her personal life is kind of mess. Her hubby is a loving man, but he doesn't keep a job. Consequently, they are behind on their bills. She has 2 older boys but then had 2 miscarriages before having her youngest boy who is the same age as my baby boy.  She has a rocky relationship with her mom and sisters. So she takes this stress out on us.

It started with me when I was in a different grade level and announced I was pregnant. This was after her first miscarriage (which was later in her pregnancy.) I was then told that she had a second miscarriage and to stay away from her. She was angry with me. This I TOTALLY get. for real. She must have been in a lot of pain and seeing me made it fresh again. I completely avoided her, didn't wave in the hall. I didn't make a big deal of myself, down played when others did, and she was around. I didn't want to be the cause of her pain.
 Shortly after she found out she was pregnant with her youngest, I found out I was too. I thought it was something we could share together. Apparently not. I quickly found out pregnancy made her grouchy and snappy. I wasn't always susie sunshine, but everyone was always wrong and in her way. I think she was resentful to me because she wasn't getting all the pregnancy attention.  She felt she deserved it more because of her 2 losses in the past 2 years. Now here I was again, getting the attention also. So I had to avoid her again. Only this time we were on the same grade level. Much more difficult. When she went out on maternity leave at the end of the year, we carried on. When she came back at the very end of the year, she was surprised that we didn't call her for anything. But the way she said it, she was pissed that we didn't call her for anything.

One of my personality things  said that I will confront people if I feel slighted. More than once I had to tell her that I felt she was unduly snappy with me. Her response wasn't "Sorry, blah blah blah" it was "Oh, you always think I am picking on you." ok...

Fast forward. More of the same. One of my best friends on our grade level received Teacher of the year. I can not tell you how much she deserved it. Beyond deserves it. THe grade leaver was pissed.. Visibly angry that her co worker that she has worked with for 5 years, and seen how hard she works, won and not her. The coworker left right after the announcement for a luncheon. Our grade leader canceled our meeting that afternoon and left right after school. She then started giving the, very deserving teacher of the year, the cold shoulder and was snappy at her. When my friend stated that she hoped that only 6 of her special ed babies was going to fail the standardized test (this was a good thing, 14 of them failed the year before.) Our leader responded with "Why so many?" When my friend explained that number is actually very low and a good thing, the leader responded under her breath thinking no one could hear "teacher of the year, huh?" I wanted to smack her in her face. I was so furious. and I don't usually have that impulse to hit...

Last week her son was the ONLY kid in a different teacher's class to fail the writing test. In fact that teacher had 6 exceed (more than anyone else in the grade level combined.) She waited until that teacher and I were at a history grant to rant and rail against that teacher claiming that the history grant was the reason her kid failed. We have been doing this grant for 3 years. She never claimed the History grant was a problem for our writing scores before. In fact the other teacher's students did all the grade level writings AND 3 additional papers. So her son got more writing instruction than the rest of the kids. Before they took the writing test, he had told her several times he was concerned with his writing because he doesn't write enough. She admitted she had not worked with him at all. Then when that teacher told her when they took the test, her son did not write enough. Her response was "Oh well, he made that decision. If he fails, he fails." Then he did. And now, it is the other teachers fault.

What bothers me the most is she ranted for over a half hour when she knew he was gone. I am sure no one stood up to her. If I had been there I would have said something. I would have shut that down and now it is too late. I am just furious. No one is safe. There is no trust. It is gone.

And here I am- Disappointed. Disappointed in her leadership, her choice to bash her co workers, her not owning her child's choices, her not helping her child when she was asked to, in her not living up to my expectations.

Sigh.