what is it?

So there is all this research to back up what most of us already know. The "everyone wins" mentality just ill prepares children for adulthood.

My parents let me struggle (although everyone did get a trophy the one year I played soccer, but it is a team sport... and we did win....) But I was also told how awesome I was. So I have an administrator who is making me feel un-awesome. Is it because I am ill prepared for criticism'?

I have not been  as good as I should have been at paper work. I am doing the work.. I just have sloppy files. One admin tells me that it is just one of those things. We just have to prove our work. And that was that. I left feeling empowered to do better. The admin who is actually in charge of the files... makes me feel like an idiot for missing a coversheet. What is worse, is now he is constantly checking in on me. Like daily.   And every time he does it makes me feel untrusted and incapable of doing my job. I took his advice directly, and he still is trying to hold my hand. Even if I don't agree with it 100%, I did not do it right the first time, so best to follow the bosses advice. Not that it necessarily bad advice, I just don't think it will work in this case.

He sat in on a meeting (which he would have been invited to anyway) and I felt like I had to look at him constantly to make sure I was saying the right thing, or  asking the right questions or if my ideas were valid. This is where he brought up the idea to change things that I don't really agree with. I have a very distinct feeling that the other admin would agree with me (basically because he has said  as much in the past.) But how do I do that... with out going behind admin 1's back? And if I am right, how do I bring that up?

I feel stupid and incapable- My confidence is gone... this is a first for me.

Identities

So I am the kind of dork that listens to NPR all the time. Who would have guessed?!
There as a story that was talking about all our identities. Our labels. Our "identities," if you will.

So I have sooo many hats. so many identities.

I have spent quite a lot of time trying to figure out how to order them... I just don't know. There really is not a true order to this. I feel like if Christian is not first, then I am betraying my faith. If Mommy is not first, I am betraying my kids.

So here it is in absolutely NO order.

Teacher, Christian, Mommy, Wife, daughter, niece, cousin, best friend, the secret weapon, photographer, thinker.

There are times when each of those has been really hard, times when I did not think I could be those things, and sadly times when I did not want to be those things.

Just because something is your identity, does not it is what you are 100% of the time. Who can do that? Who can be "on" all the time?? Not me.

This year I have questioned my title of teacher quite a bit. It has been a very challenging 2 years. It has gotten better in recent months, but boy oh wow, it was work to get here. I take GREAT pride in being a teacher and it felt like an identity crisis  when I questioned it.

Like Who was I? I had that same insecure feeling you get when you are contemplating breaking up with a long time boyfriend/girlfriend. You (well,at least I would) would start to think, but how will I find someone as good? I am not good enough for something better/different.

And the truth of it is- I have no idea what I would do if I left teaching. It is not like there is huge job market in the first place. I think I would like to work for a text book company developing curriculum. I can sell...

In all honesty, things have gotten better and I don't want to run for the hills screaming any more. But, at the same time, the feeling is not completely gone either.

As a Christian my biggest challenge is to remember to continually develop my faith, because that task is never done. I am a fervent prayer. But my study is weak. I need to know my bible better.

I LOVE and adore my children. I miss them after I put them to bed and feel like my heart will burst when I am away from them. BUT when #2 is crying in the cart at the department store for solve-able reason, and # 1 is demanding Thomas the Train on my phone, and all I want are a pair of jeans that actually fit. I need a moment. I need a moment before I become "that" mom in public. Not to say I haven't been, nor that it may happen again, but breathing is so very important.

My husband and I have a solid relationship, mostly because he is wonderful. Sometimes he is so wonderful, I don't realize I have been selfish. I have to make sure I am doing for him as much as he does for me, he deserves it, we deserve it.

Those are the hardest for me. The others have challenges, but they don't keep me up at night.

I just need to be conscious, so I can be better.

Just a little

I just had a moment.

There was something on pintrest about turning 30.

And I had a moment.

My stomach got tight and I though... 1 month...

I have never been worried about age. A teacher I worked with when I was in high school was a very smart woman who was worthy of looking up to.

She talked about how she was determined to grow old with grace. She found out early in her marriage that she would not have children. She was blessed with many nieces and nephews that she loved like her own. She had an aunt (I think) that died quite young, and this particular aunt was very obsessed with looking young. When she passed, this teacher said that she would embrace age. God has given her every year, and she is going to appreciate all that he is giving her.

I really took that to heart, and I too want to age with grace*

So I am taking this moment, putting it to the blog, and then letting it go.

I am turning 30. I have always acted like an old lady, so 30 is not that big of a deal.

a kinder soul

Our pastor gave us a set of little red dots. They to simply remind us to pray. I put one on the corner of my phone, and I feel like I have done a pretty good job at sending up a small something when I see it.

I heard something on the radio this morning that made me want  to more.

It made me want to be a light.

I don't think I have been a light lately. I have been so stressed and it has made me quite egocentric.

My husband has been amazing. He has done laundry. He has done dishes. He has been kind.
I just let him.

I need to be better to him, our home, our boys, my students.

I need to be a light.

I need to be a light to my coworkers.

I need to be a light and warm place for my students.

I need to be a light, warm place, and open arms for my husband.

I will do more, I will do better, by the grace of God, I will be the light.

perspective

This is a summer of healing and mental preparation.

I am healing from the emotional beating I took from my classroom this year. I did not realize how much it affected me until I was completely removed from it all. I think they call that perspective. 

At the time, I knew I was stressed. I knew I was frustrated. I knew I felt like crying from those 2 factors. I knew my kids' parents did not raise them well. I knew I did an excellent job at teaching them. My scores showed that, their kind letters told me that and their hugs and tears showed me that. But, my body's reactions to normal classroom suggestions tell me that I did not handle my stress well.

When we were given iPads, my first thought was- there is no way I can give this to kids. They will break it, look up bad things and misuse it in every way.
No- No they won't. You had a few kids last year who wouldn't be trusted to breathe in the same room as the iPad, but you don't have those kids anymore. In fact you are going to have sweet babies who will benefit from these iPads.

One of my favorite things it to set up my room. I NEED to do this. My room was packed and moved in about 25 minutes on the only day of pre planning. So yeah- it NEEDS to happen. In fact it needs to happen with a committee of about 3 people. But alas- It will be me feeling overwhelmed... so I don't want to. I don't want to because I am afraid it will cause me anxiety. .

More healing- Time- More healing.

update on Grace

Well I failed miserably... two words. Field Day...

I lost my "grace mantra" when a student just wasn't listening and nailed another student with a mini lacross stick at a water game.

it was the 3rd station.

and then it was downhill from there.

Let me go back- I LOVE field day... usually.

This year I was not looking forward to it and it lived up to all my expectations. All of them...

sigh.

I did manage to keep my grace mantra with my moody diabetic student. He was angry because he couldn't play the water games, he was angry because there wasn't a nurse at break time to get the carb count for the Gatorade. I talked him into playing the other games, talked him out of anger at other students for absolutely nothing, and I didn't scream yell and drag him out of the lunch room when he called another student's mother a Bitch.

I got an administrator to do that.

I did show grace when mom was treating us to McDonalds yesterday.

There was a car stopped before the drive through and people were slowly getting out.. Like SLOWLY.

In the mean time a woman started backing out of her parking place and was going to hit my car. I tapped the horn to let her know I was there, so she would stop. One of the guys getting out of the car gave me a dirty look, so I pointed to the lady backing into me. I don't think he understood.

When the older guy who was moving slow got out- he gave me the finger... with both hands.

Here is where my grace came in- so proud of myself...

I rolled down my window...

thought about my grace and my kids in the back seat

and told him that I was sorry, but I wasn't honking at him, but rather the old woman who nearly backed into me.

He apologized and asked for forgiveness. I said thank you and pulled into the drive through.

Where I lost my grace with the woman who had no idea how to work a double lane drive through and caused 3 cars to get ahead of us while the boy screamed for fries.

So 1 out of 3... better than none right?

Disappointed

So I know how I just wrote this whole thing on how my personality type thinks the best of people and they tend to bristle if they think they are not going to reach my expectations and how that is not how it really is. I will just lift them up if they fall short in my eye- which isn't even the right way to say it. Most people don't fall short- I just see opportunities to help, not to look down on.

So that is not entirely true. If someone does something that is WAY below them. If someone I trust and expect the best out of does something truly low, I do become disappointed.

So my grade level has a leader who is our "go to" person. They have bi monthly meetings with administration, they lead our team meetings. They are supposed to be organized and set the tone for our group. Sounds like a general description of anyone in a mid level leadership position.

When I first met this person, I felt we had a lot in common. She stepped up when my car broke down and I needed a ride to work for a month.

Over the last 5 years, she has slowly slipped lower and lower in my rank of people I want to be in the same room as. Here is another thing you have to understand. I will stick with someone, even if it is not good. Boys always break up with me, I am not the one to break up. I will hold on the scraps of a friendship because I feel there is always something worthy in that friend, even if we have drifted. But, I think I need to distance myself as much as possible, or I may be the recipient of her wrath very soon.

Her personal life is kind of mess. Her hubby is a loving man, but he doesn't keep a job. Consequently, they are behind on their bills. She has 2 older boys but then had 2 miscarriages before having her youngest boy who is the same age as my baby boy.  She has a rocky relationship with her mom and sisters. So she takes this stress out on us.

It started with me when I was in a different grade level and announced I was pregnant. This was after her first miscarriage (which was later in her pregnancy.) I was then told that she had a second miscarriage and to stay away from her. She was angry with me. This I TOTALLY get. for real. She must have been in a lot of pain and seeing me made it fresh again. I completely avoided her, didn't wave in the hall. I didn't make a big deal of myself, down played when others did, and she was around. I didn't want to be the cause of her pain.
 Shortly after she found out she was pregnant with her youngest, I found out I was too. I thought it was something we could share together. Apparently not. I quickly found out pregnancy made her grouchy and snappy. I wasn't always susie sunshine, but everyone was always wrong and in her way. I think she was resentful to me because she wasn't getting all the pregnancy attention.  She felt she deserved it more because of her 2 losses in the past 2 years. Now here I was again, getting the attention also. So I had to avoid her again. Only this time we were on the same grade level. Much more difficult. When she went out on maternity leave at the end of the year, we carried on. When she came back at the very end of the year, she was surprised that we didn't call her for anything. But the way she said it, she was pissed that we didn't call her for anything.

One of my personality things  said that I will confront people if I feel slighted. More than once I had to tell her that I felt she was unduly snappy with me. Her response wasn't "Sorry, blah blah blah" it was "Oh, you always think I am picking on you." ok...

Fast forward. More of the same. One of my best friends on our grade level received Teacher of the year. I can not tell you how much she deserved it. Beyond deserves it. THe grade leaver was pissed.. Visibly angry that her co worker that she has worked with for 5 years, and seen how hard she works, won and not her. The coworker left right after the announcement for a luncheon. Our grade leader canceled our meeting that afternoon and left right after school. She then started giving the, very deserving teacher of the year, the cold shoulder and was snappy at her. When my friend stated that she hoped that only 6 of her special ed babies was going to fail the standardized test (this was a good thing, 14 of them failed the year before.) Our leader responded with "Why so many?" When my friend explained that number is actually very low and a good thing, the leader responded under her breath thinking no one could hear "teacher of the year, huh?" I wanted to smack her in her face. I was so furious. and I don't usually have that impulse to hit...

Last week her son was the ONLY kid in a different teacher's class to fail the writing test. In fact that teacher had 6 exceed (more than anyone else in the grade level combined.) She waited until that teacher and I were at a history grant to rant and rail against that teacher claiming that the history grant was the reason her kid failed. We have been doing this grant for 3 years. She never claimed the History grant was a problem for our writing scores before. In fact the other teacher's students did all the grade level writings AND 3 additional papers. So her son got more writing instruction than the rest of the kids. Before they took the writing test, he had told her several times he was concerned with his writing because he doesn't write enough. She admitted she had not worked with him at all. Then when that teacher told her when they took the test, her son did not write enough. Her response was "Oh well, he made that decision. If he fails, he fails." Then he did. And now, it is the other teachers fault.

What bothers me the most is she ranted for over a half hour when she knew he was gone. I am sure no one stood up to her. If I had been there I would have said something. I would have shut that down and now it is too late. I am just furious. No one is safe. There is no trust. It is gone.

And here I am- Disappointed. Disappointed in her leadership, her choice to bash her co workers, her not owning her child's choices, her not helping her child when she was asked to, in her not living up to my expectations.

Sigh.

Personality

So I have taken MANY personality quizzes over the years. For different jobs, for college, for fun. I took one today out of a book. Like the WHOLE book was about this specific personality test. It is similar to the Briggs Myers, but asks questions about long term and personality where Briggs Myers is more for "this time in your life."
So I almost always have the same results. A leader, a teacher, open to listening, optimisitc... blah blah blah. So I was not anticipating much else. However, this was a whole book on the 16 personalities, whoa. I had 3 pages of explanation of my personality type, as opposed to the 2-3 sentence summary I have been given in the past. It was so much better able to express what I have known most of my life and more specifically what I have learned about myself in the last year.

So firstly I was classified as a "Teacher." However, it emphasizes that they are not assigning jobs, but rather personality classification. Even more importantly, less than 2% of the population falls into this category and, in fact, most teachers do not go on to be actual teachers, even though they are very well suited for the job. Many go on to be great orators: media personalities, ministers and the like. So basically, I should have been Pope, but you know, I don't do hats.

It did blather on about things I did know. Highly interpersonal and intrapersonal.  I can read others and I am specifically good at reading myself. Which I am. Even if I can not put my finger on it, I know when something is off with someone. Probably why I notice when people are preggers before they announce, or even know themselves. (so I am not psychic after all, just observant to the tiniest changes hmmmm.) I can always figure out why I am reacting the way I am, sometimes not right away, but I can always figure out my emotions afterward. Even when I start to get depressed, I sit an analyze myself and get my butt up and going before it gets too bad. I always know when an anxiety attack is coming and can head it off with medication and meditation. Not always both are needed though...

One thing it did say was that my personality type believes that they are "instinctively understood and communication is naturally accepted. Because of this they are surprised and often hurt when their intentions are misconstrued. Most of the conflicts they find themselves in are usually resulted from being misunderstood and these conflicts are often resolved quickly because they are so good at communicating for themselves."

Boy is that true. There are many benign things that I have said, that I meant them the way I said them. BUT, people read way more into it and I end up the bad guy. Completely blind sided. Now, there are times when I was snarky and bitchy, but those times NEVER result in the confrontation that my benign things do. I know when I am being bitchy and I usually apologize. My hubby is usually the recipient of that.

One thing that is dead on is that this personality type is deeply empathetic. So much so that they become over involved in others personal issues and take on the emotional state of others. I do. I hate to see those I am close to go through any emotional distress and I become their personal therapist. BTW that is another one of the jobs, this personality type should go into.

Overall we (my personality type) have high expectations of everyone. Not the kind that no one can live up to kind, but rather that everyone is going to be their best person. A positive side of this is that the people around them strive to live up to that expectation unconsciously (I think this applies to the Hubby.) The negative side is that people assume I will be mad or upset if they don't. The book says it perfectly of how others react to my expectations. "... (they) doubt that they can live up to such and exulted conception of themselves, unaware that Teachers are their boosters, not their critics." And that is it. If someone didn't do their absolute best- I wouldn't be mad or disappointed, I would lift them up, encourage (and probably try to fix it.)
 I think I realized this last part within the last year. There are some people in my life that don't tell me when things go wrong, or if they mess up. And I wasn't ever able to figure it out. Why do they hide things from me? Why didn't she tell me they broke up? When did they quit their job? I always assumed it was because I was untrustworthy or not a close enough friend. (Which hurt my feelings.) Now I realize that I have somehow exuded that I expect perfection or excellence and will be disappointed in less. But how exactly do I do that? How do I make someone else feel bad, when I am really trying to lift them up by telling them how wonderful they are. How do I stop doing it? Even being aware that it is happening- I can't pin point it. What do I currently say or do that I should stop doing or saying?
I think I do this to my sister-in-law. I think she is incredible. They fell in to a hard place. They live with my in-laws. But, they are doing everything they should. Working hard, trying to find a good home for their son, they love and take care of each other. But she says the most awful competitive things. Going as far as to say to the hubby "I will get a better house than you." She made it sound like she was kidding, but she wasn't. I even asked her if her goal was to make her brother jealous. She said yes. I wanted to tell her that it wasn't going to work because he wasn't a jealous person. And mean it just that way. Even if they both got Ah-mazing jobs that paid out the wah-zoo, bought an amazing house and their kid grew up to be a rhodes scholar- her brother would simply be happy for them. But I knew if I said that It would be interpreted as "It won't work because we will always be better than you." She is insecure, but she isn't (for the most part) the -lash-out-at-you-becuase-you-have-what-she-wants. She is more the sibling rivalry kind of insecure. The hubby has always been more book smart than her and that is all she can focus on. She is very smart, she is gorgeous, she is a wonderful mother and aunt to the boys, she is a very hard worker with an amazing talent for leadership. I wish I could make her see that with out making her feel like she is going to fail if she doesn't do all those things all the time.

Another element to all this that I am realizing that I am pretty smart. I honestly never thought of others as beneath me intellectually.  I am able to carry on conversations with friends from high school, who in hindsight were in the special ed program, and enjoy myself. We laugh, cry, discuss serious things and I was never bored or annoyed. I have engaged in conversation with professors and educators that I would consider highly intelligent and above me on the intellectual level  and been told that they "really enjoyed our conversation." The latter was quite recently and has revealed to me that I can hold my own. I feel like when I talk with "smart people" I am faking it... lol Like I am getting away with something. I am almost scared they discover I am not as smart. However, I am realizing that I am a bit more intelligent than I give myself credit for.

I had a conversation with a long time friend a few months ago about magazines. When they described their magazines, I was jealous because I liked the ones they got and I often eye them in  the check out line but never buy. When I described mine,the response was "we don't get smart magazines like that." I was really taken aback. I never thought of National Geographic or Smithsonian as "Smart." They just sparked my interest. Are these the kind of things that make people think that I think they are not good enough? I don't know.

 I just want people to know that I have no desire to make others feel bad. In fact, it is just the opposite. I want everyone to feel loved and good.

Deep down I am a solid believe in Love.

BS- I call BS

I saw an article on FB about how the latest Sports Illustrated model was being called "border line chunky." I call BS. A healthy curvy woman is soooo much more attractive to men than super skinny with rock hard implant hanging off the bones.

Gaaaawd- You get shit for being "A tractor sized hippo" and " borderline chunky" but in real life I always took shit for being skinny. There really is no winning. Women can't win. It is bs.

The 19th amendment is given one sentence in my students social studies book. ONE SENTENCE. Women get the right to vote 40 years after slaves were given the same right. With the risk of sounding racist I have to ask REALLY?! People who were considered cattle and simply property were granted the right to make political decisions before women... As horrible as slavery was I just can't get over it. Men (you know, who made the laws) had so little faith in the intelligence and strength of women that they chose to give the right to vote to former property first. Now, I don't think black people are any less deserving, and I am incredibly impressed at the swiftness they received their vote.

Let's go back to what set this off. One sentence in my social studies book. ONE- there is not enough emphasis I can put on this word to show my rage. I started off my lesson by asking the kids if they knew the idom "On my soap box" or "Getting off my soap box" Some did. I explained the history of "soap box" I then explained that I was going to get ON my soap box. I told them some of the more mild things that happened to women who tried to vote and get the vote. There are many things I left out because their poor little 5th grad psyches don't need to know about the torture and rape.  But they did need to know about being put in jail, being divorced, being shunned in public places, they needed to be shocked. They needed to be inspired to become registered, informed voters.

I kindly stepped off my soap box to shocked faces and hopefully some inspired girls. One can only hope.

The funny thing is, I am not really a feminist. I like to be taken care of. I like my car door opened. I like wearing my bra, I like letting my husband be the head of the household.

But I am. I have a career that is important. I am raising boys to be independent and self sufficient. I get bent out of shape about women's rights. I am a registered republican- but my own party pisses me off when it comes to women. SOOOOOO much. So maybe I am.

Identity crisis? Nah

kiss my butt goodbye

You know that scene in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy is sucked into a tornado and she is all "I am laying on my bed because the window busted- oh woe-sigh pass out" And there is that unpleasant music and a slight roar of deep stringed instruments. Yeah- Bullshit.

Scene: Darkened skies, blowing wind, and 27 ten and eleven year old students working diligently on a science study guide. My phone buzzes ominously in my pocket. I pull it out and as I read " A tornado warning has been issued for your area." Simultaneously an announcement " Teachers and Students please assume your weather saftey positions." We file out for the second time that day. As I sit the students in the hallway, our DARE officer says "My phone and raido just blew up with calls, this one is serious" -awesome....

We have the kids in duck in cover mode, the wind picks up, it gets dark. The principal comes over the walkies and tells the teachers to GET DOWN NOW!
 UM_ HOLY COW. I am suddenly very glad I took my license out of my wallet and put in my bra- for real. not kidding. put my ID in my bra. Paranoid much? I also thought to bring my leather jacket. I figured if there was glass or something, it would protect me. As I sat there in the duck and kiss your ass good bye mode, I prayed. I prayed. I prayed. I shook, I shook, I shook. I was sure I was going to throw up. The Music teacher was next to me, and she had to pee. I told her if I throw up, she HAS to pee herself so everyone will look at both of us, and not just me.

We sat there and at the very end even the principals sat down in a safe area. Even the police officer sat down. I prayed for my home, mother and kids. I prayed for me and my students, I prayed for my husband and his library.

Things calmed down outside. And after a few more minutes we were told we could get up and go back to our rooms.

End Scene.

It was a glass a wine kind of night.

good teacher

You know that movie bad teacher? The one with the gorgeous Cameron Diaz. She really is  a bad teacher. I thought watching that movie would piss me off, but I had a good laugh with it. I was able to take of my "teacher hat" and just enjoy.

That is a really strange and barely related introduction to the post that has  to do with  the ridiculousness that is my job. This is the first time since I have been teaching that I have wondered if this is the job for me? OK wrong question, this is definitely the job for me, but is it the job I want to do? Again- wrong question because I desperately want to do my job, and do it well. Maybe the question is Can I do this job any more?

I was telling my cousin this weekend, as his phone rang off the hook from his job, that it was such a blessing that no one calls me after I leave school to ask me to do my job some more. Sure, if I was a glutton for pain, I could check my e-mail. I am and I usually do. But it is not mandatory and no one expects me to do anything about the e-mail they send after hours until the next day. I take that back, there are a few crazies out there who can't understand why I cant provide a multiple choice make-up test the very next day when they e-mail me at 11 pm.  But again- few and far between. Anyway, so I am watching him take these calls, most of which I feel if the person on the other line had tried, they themselves could have handled the task, and I realize there is no perfect job.

I could teach college, but the hours would suck in a different way. AND I would have to go to school to get my PhD. That would be way expensive. I have a girl friend who teaches the "teaching" class at her local high school. That seems like a really sweet deal.

I would love to work for a text book company, but no one is buying text books these days- I know we haven't had an adoption in 5 years. Our reading books are about 10 years old- at least. There is a lady who comes to our grant training, and shows us how to use the materials we purchased as a grant. She is a former teacher and seems to have a lot of fun.

In reality, I am not going anywhere. I am going to stay a teacher. Continue grading papers. Still disciplining, encouraging, and bonding.

a little ramble for your day

So I have been making a mental list of things I wanted to blog about.

I finally have a moment to write- and I can't think of a single one.

figures

So I'll ramble a bit and see what comes of it.

We went to the zoo yesterday. My mom, my mother-in-law, my hubby and kids, my sister-in-law her hubby and kid, and my sister-in-law's husband's uncle's girlfriend/baby mamma and her kid. But really we are much closer than the ridiculous distance the title implies. The extended relative is actually younger than me by a few months. And it is not an eww factor because the bro-in-law's uncle is only a few years older than me. It is one of those funny things where the kids were way apart and one kid was born to a young mother...ect. It is a really complicated story, but none the less, we are all about the same age and at the same stage in life.

We all have young children. I cap them off with the oldest and the youngest.
Anyway- The zoo was tons of fun. It is definitely one of those places you only need to go to once every few years, and this was our second trip in 6 months. Last time it was just us and my mother and father-in-law. So it was all new to my sis-in-law and her son. We went to commemorate the first anniversary of his birth.  Which is a fancy pants way of saying we went for his birthday. lol
Thankfully my sis-I-L is not one of those who insists on seeing every single element and spending 30 min at each exhibit kind of people. Going to the zoo with an 18 month old and a 5 week old is EXHAUSTING. Especially when the newborn doesn't eat well. You know he makes with the pukey face sometimes. Well, a lot of times.
BUT that may be resolved. We are awaiting a prescription right now!

Back to work on Thursday- boo

I was looking forward to it. I have been sick for 2 weeks with a stubborn fiercely independent 18 month old who has been treading the terrible 2s for about 4 months now and a pukey baby- and my mom. I was READY to be out of the house- in the world of adults- meeting my students FINALLY.
But now that it is upon me, I am sad about it. A little sad that I am not going to be able to clean my kitchen slowly through out the day as the kid allows me, a little sad that I can't nap in the middle of the day. But mostly sad about leaving the boys. I really am enjoying being with them. I will miss snuggling after naps. I will miss him saying all sorts of new words now that he can hear. I will miss it.
Speaking of- he is up!

whatta trip

Man, I missed my family.
I was away getting my learnin' on. I am a participant in a National History Grant for teachers. We affectionately call it the TAH (Teaching American History.) I had 3 days of classes about local history and how it relates to Civil War. Our focus the last two years has been using primary resources in the classroom. Then we left for a whirl wind tour of battlefields and DC. IT has been completely fascinating and exhausting at the same time. 

I have been really excited about this trip and taking pictures. There is another teacher who is a part of the grant who is also a photographer. She forgot her camera last year and I have gotten the cold shoulder from her since. I don't know if I am reading too much into her behavior and the reasons. I am not used to smiling at someone and not receiving one back, even in courtesy. I am a people person at heart, and it really bothers me when I don't know why people don't instantly love me. (I exaggerate.) I kid, I kid, but I would like to know what (if anything) I did, so that I can (a) correct my mistake and (b) not do it again. Over time I have learned that sometimes I have done things that have hurt other people's feelings,  and I genuinely had no idea it was happening until they told me. I take those things to heart, and I take them very seriously. I do no want to be the cause for anyone else's pain, stress, or frustration.

Anyway, she had her camera this trip, and she warmed a little bit to me through the trip. The girl she hangs out with was very nice to me, so that makes me think she is not talking bad about me. Maybe she has had a hard year, I know her hubby is in the military. Maybe the fact that I am/have been pregnant bothers her, maybe they have had issues. I know that I can be an attention hog sometimes, and that could totally rub someone the wrong way. This forum is hard for me too, because I really enjoy history. Also, I am very comfortable with the people in the group, so sometimes I will crack jokes in the seminars (always appreciated with a hearty laugh.) I can say that by the end of the trip, she was at least returning my smile.

I am just glad to be home with my family. I missed the little man and the hubby. I missed my mom.
Now to recover, it really was a busy week.

post planning

Post-Planning for teachers is always a whirl-wind. We have one day to complete 2 pages of checklists. Some of them are easy, like turn in all the nurses passes and tardy slips. Some are more complicated like, take all the old papers out of the permanent records, record all the grades for the year in the records, put 3 different stickers in the record, put a report card in the record, put the days present and the days absent in the record, then put ALL the records in ABC order. Then we have to organize all the data for the year and box it up. Turn in my keys, that don't exist. Laugh when maintenance puts a sign up that says "closed for maitence" across the 3rd grade girls bathroom.  You would think if it is written on their shirts, they could spell it right. I wish I had taken a picture. Have all items off my desk and my floor and put away so they can clean my room.

Then I realize how disgusting my room is. When all the desks are moved out, the floor is AWFUL. It is clear that a year with a not-so-great janitor reeks HAVOC on the floor. I have had 4 years of moving out and NEVER has it looked so rough. I swept up and I hope that they can get all the marks off the floor. In all fairness, the janitor that preceded the current one was fantastic, like over the top, beyond the call of duty, fantastic.

Well, it is confirmed. The little man indeed has hand, foot and mouth disease. Thankfully, he only has the hand and foot element. The blisters on his hands and feet look awful. I had to put band-aids on his little fingers because he sucks on his fingers at night and I was afraid the blisters would burst. I put them on his fingers, and little man spent about 30 minutes trying to pull them off. He sat there and flexed his little hands over and over trying to get them off. He would look at them, then at me with the saddest look. Poor guy. I hope they will last the night.

last week of school

Last week of school-

OH MY GOD- These kids have lost their minds. The worst part? I could care less. Seriously. They are good kids and they are just hyper, but holy cow. It is like someone kicked an ant hill in there. I am glad when the Principal came in today, I was actually doing something academic, because the rest of the day was a fair guess if they were doing what they were supposed to be doing.
There is a one question a kid could (and will) ask that just infuriates teachers. "Is this for a grade?" I know that if I answer no- all motivation has left the room. I am not a big fan of lying to my kids, especially when I fail to actually give them a grade on the stinking thing.  Today the answer was "No, but if you don't do it, and if you don't do it with complete effort, you can work in the office." Now that is one of my rare empty threats, but because I don't often threat without following through, I was taken seriously.
The hardest part is we are all done- and I get it- I am done too. It is like senior-itis for 5th graders. And 5th grade teachers. And parents. And administrators. And lunch ladies--
Oh lunch ladies- gotta rant here-
We have a GREAT lunch staff, they just have STUPID RULES
Today when I arrived at the lunch room I was disappointed by bbq sandwiches or hot dogs. Sides of baked beans and coleslaw. Lesser of 2 evils was the hot dog. I don't like the sides offered. So I got my apple, and put in my lunch number THEN asked that since I don't eat the sides could I have another hotdog. NO, they would charge me1.50 for the stupid hotdog. SO I paid 2.50 for a hotdog, apple and milk. I call bullshit.

anyway- over it.

4 more days...

refreshed

The hubby and I went to Blairsville this weekend. My students went in together, at Christmas, for a sweet jack deal that included a cabin in the woods and a massage. I got a beautiful pair of opal earrings from the hubbs for mother's day. He always makes sure that I feel appreciated on special days. He is really good like that.
We went antique-ing. Which for us mostly involves walking around antique stores either laughing or lusting after items in the store. I did manage find a really fake gold ring with some really fake gemstones. The great part was the beautiful opals as the main setting. The ring cost $8- WINNING.
I am really cheap, I mean REALLY cheap. I bought that thing like I was stealing from the place. The seller had no idea how much money she could have gotten from the opals alone. She sure couldn't get much for the fake gold and mis-matched gem stones. I was rushing the hubby out of the store like I was shoplifting. I did not want them to realize what I was getting away with. So now I had opal earrings and a ring with opals. I was a pretty happy girl. BTW my love language is gifts. AND a massage, cannot forget the massage.

We hosted a mother's day lunch for our super extended family. The grandmas had steaks, everyone else was relegated to bbq chicken or brats. I don't care for bbq sauce, so I assumed my hubby would make me chicken without the sauce- fail. I can't complain too much, he changed both poopy diapers yesterday. Win

MORE good news. Went to the dentist (the specialist) to have my root canal. He was looking at my x-rays and asked why the dentist refered me. I told him that a piece of my tooth came out and he felt the cavity was too close to the roots to just clean it out. He also did not want to do the root canal because the roots were curved. When I told him the part about curved roots he laughed at me- almost giggled  and said "Curved" was an understatement. My roots take a straight up 90 degree turn. He showed me on the x-rays, and he is not even exaggerating. He said he was going to try and clean out the cavity with out hitting the root, thus rendering the root canal unnecessary. I am very thankful for his skills, he managed to do it! No root canal for me today! I am very grateful and so is my bank account. Saved me about $500!

It is good to feel good again.

Today- is book worthy

Today is the type of day that teachers write books about. You know the ones that "regular" people find humorous and chuckle about. The kind that teachers will laugh out loud, shake their head in sympathy, and think "yeh, that is right" about.

Happy Monday morning after being out unexpectedly for 1/2 day.
100 e-mails waiting. 70 from book companies and websites wanting to pitch me crap. 20 from parents confused at to what the hw was after I left (there was no homework) and 10 from staff members with reminders and such for the end of the year.

We have changed our schedule to more reflect a "middle school" style day for our 5th graders. All the kids on our pod are mixed up and I am teaching SS and Science 3 blocks.

Homeroom runs smoothly with the exception of a normally very cool kid, calling out class clown style. Ignored.

 I had to e-mail the parents asking if they saw the progress reports because I only had 3 come in signed from Friday. Whenever I send out a mass e-mail that is BEGGING for every 5th parent to e-mail me back with 10 random and unrelated questions. It is like the Pandora's box of parent e-mails. Most of these questions can be answered by referring to the MASSIVE list of dates on my calendar. Oh and that same list is sent out EVERY MONDAY with the newsletter. So as they respond to my e-mail, the answer they seek is on the very e-mail they are replying to.

One VERY sweet, overly concerned parent wants to know where the 65 came from, she did not see it come home. Check with your sweet 11 year old who probably stuffed it in the garbage.

One joking about women's panties. 

One finding a pair of his own underwear in his backpack and pulling it out and acting like a clown in general. (Underwear later identified as stragglers from his last sleep over and forgotten about)

One kid managing to loose 3 very important pieces of paper for 3 different classes, thus racking up 3 zeros in one day. Then wanting ME to fix it. No sir.

Girl Drama- not even going there.

a better outlook

So I don't want this to become a forum to vent about my students. So instead of telling of the rudeness, playing in the bathroom until someone's finger was smashed, and lying that happened today. I will tell about the good things.

We read a poem today. They had a few short response questions, to which I intended a certain answer.
They AMAZED my by going deeper and really pulling out some great stuff. I was super proud.

We had a talk about connecting to texts differently. How reading a book now might be good, but reading it in 5 years will allow them to emotionally connect differently. How your experiences with death or injury will help you understand a characters experiences differently.  They were really making great connections.

This morning they came in, and did what they were supposed to do.

They put in a serious effort into their ss test.

There was no girl drama. THANK GOD

Apparently everyone wore deodorant and  showered because there was NO stink in the room.

small favors... :)

Really?!

So we are in the midst of standardized testing hell. Overall MY kids are doing well. They are working hard, using scratch paper, and not asking me ridiculous questions (that I can't even answer anyway.)

I have one student who takes all standardized tests in a separate group because they get extra time. So basically this student can take up to 85 minutes to answer 35 questions. There are two sections like that. so in total they can take up to 170 minutes for 70 questions. That is nearly 2 and 1/2 minutes per question. They did not finish the first section. Then during the break proceeded to throw a temper tantrum that included writhing on the ground crying, throwing his pencil and calling the test ugly names. He had to be removed.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!? 11 years old.
I have had this kid for 2 years. (See previous post Getting Loopy) About 2 months into 4th grade, last year, they failed a spelling test (admittedly for lack of studying.) They proceeded to throw themselves on the ground and throw a fit. I ignored them and proceeded to pass out papers to the other students. Allowing them to step over the tantrum-in-process  in order to do so. I knelt down on the ground and told him to get up. This is not acceptable behavior and would not be tolerated. If they were to continue they would spend the rest of the day in the office AFTER we called their mother at the middle school to explain what happened. They got up, calmly apologized and went to their seat. Never had another fit again.
2 YEARS LATER they decides to throw a fit with another teacher because he was frustrated with the test and did not finish.
Here is the thing- I did not find out until after school.
When they came back in to my room after testing, I asked how it went. They said  "fine."
IF I HAD KNOWN right away, I would have had a "chat" with them, and then there would have be consequences- BIG TIME.

Called mom- She is just as upset.

So a kid that I had NO concerns over failing a test, probably failed.. awesome!

Please ignore the grammar and punctuation errors. I am terribly exhausted and don't really want to edit.

getting loopy

ok enough with the heavy.

Today I was reflecting on the last 2 years I have spend with my students. We are in the middle of standardized testing hell. It gives me a LOT of time to think.

I have had the awesome opportunity to loop with my students. That means I get to have the same kids (mostly) for 2 years. I have some serious punks in my room, not bad, just punks. The one who can't stay in his seat to save his life. The one who says EVERY word that comes across his mind, he feels that each comment is the most important thing ever. I have typical 11 year old girl drama. But I also have the funniest, most sarcastic, most creative, most caring students. I have developed a strong relationship with the students and their families. I feel like their mom sometimes. I get called mom at least 3 times a week. I am hurt when they make bad decisions, and I am sad with them when they experience tragedy.

In the last two years we have laughed so hard we have cried. We have cried over lost pets. Rejoiced in new life (twice.) I have inadvertently lied to them. We were talking about what would happen when I went on maternity leave last year. The conversation had lingered on past the time allotted. They were asking the most ridiculous questions. " What if the sub forgets to do the attendance?" Same thing when I forget, the office will call down and tell her to do it. We had breached the world of "What ifs"and I was over it. I told them " Look guys, we have another month to discuss this, I am not having this baby tomorrow."

Then I did.

ooops.

This is something they have NEVER let me forget either. The first day back I get "You said you weren't going to have the baby tomorrow!" Six. Weeks. LATER. 10 year olds have a long memory.
Ever since then, anytime I give an absolute, they remind me of my "not having the baby tomorrow" absolute.

"They will let you know when the pictures are."
"Are you sure? I mean, you said you weren't going to have the baby the next day, then you did."

I swear- an actual conversation.

Kids :)

I have never cried at the end of the year- I think it is a given this year.