Disappointed

So I know how I just wrote this whole thing on how my personality type thinks the best of people and they tend to bristle if they think they are not going to reach my expectations and how that is not how it really is. I will just lift them up if they fall short in my eye- which isn't even the right way to say it. Most people don't fall short- I just see opportunities to help, not to look down on.

So that is not entirely true. If someone does something that is WAY below them. If someone I trust and expect the best out of does something truly low, I do become disappointed.

So my grade level has a leader who is our "go to" person. They have bi monthly meetings with administration, they lead our team meetings. They are supposed to be organized and set the tone for our group. Sounds like a general description of anyone in a mid level leadership position.

When I first met this person, I felt we had a lot in common. She stepped up when my car broke down and I needed a ride to work for a month.

Over the last 5 years, she has slowly slipped lower and lower in my rank of people I want to be in the same room as. Here is another thing you have to understand. I will stick with someone, even if it is not good. Boys always break up with me, I am not the one to break up. I will hold on the scraps of a friendship because I feel there is always something worthy in that friend, even if we have drifted. But, I think I need to distance myself as much as possible, or I may be the recipient of her wrath very soon.

Her personal life is kind of mess. Her hubby is a loving man, but he doesn't keep a job. Consequently, they are behind on their bills. She has 2 older boys but then had 2 miscarriages before having her youngest boy who is the same age as my baby boy.  She has a rocky relationship with her mom and sisters. So she takes this stress out on us.

It started with me when I was in a different grade level and announced I was pregnant. This was after her first miscarriage (which was later in her pregnancy.) I was then told that she had a second miscarriage and to stay away from her. She was angry with me. This I TOTALLY get. for real. She must have been in a lot of pain and seeing me made it fresh again. I completely avoided her, didn't wave in the hall. I didn't make a big deal of myself, down played when others did, and she was around. I didn't want to be the cause of her pain.
 Shortly after she found out she was pregnant with her youngest, I found out I was too. I thought it was something we could share together. Apparently not. I quickly found out pregnancy made her grouchy and snappy. I wasn't always susie sunshine, but everyone was always wrong and in her way. I think she was resentful to me because she wasn't getting all the pregnancy attention.  She felt she deserved it more because of her 2 losses in the past 2 years. Now here I was again, getting the attention also. So I had to avoid her again. Only this time we were on the same grade level. Much more difficult. When she went out on maternity leave at the end of the year, we carried on. When she came back at the very end of the year, she was surprised that we didn't call her for anything. But the way she said it, she was pissed that we didn't call her for anything.

One of my personality things  said that I will confront people if I feel slighted. More than once I had to tell her that I felt she was unduly snappy with me. Her response wasn't "Sorry, blah blah blah" it was "Oh, you always think I am picking on you." ok...

Fast forward. More of the same. One of my best friends on our grade level received Teacher of the year. I can not tell you how much she deserved it. Beyond deserves it. THe grade leaver was pissed.. Visibly angry that her co worker that she has worked with for 5 years, and seen how hard she works, won and not her. The coworker left right after the announcement for a luncheon. Our grade leader canceled our meeting that afternoon and left right after school. She then started giving the, very deserving teacher of the year, the cold shoulder and was snappy at her. When my friend stated that she hoped that only 6 of her special ed babies was going to fail the standardized test (this was a good thing, 14 of them failed the year before.) Our leader responded with "Why so many?" When my friend explained that number is actually very low and a good thing, the leader responded under her breath thinking no one could hear "teacher of the year, huh?" I wanted to smack her in her face. I was so furious. and I don't usually have that impulse to hit...

Last week her son was the ONLY kid in a different teacher's class to fail the writing test. In fact that teacher had 6 exceed (more than anyone else in the grade level combined.) She waited until that teacher and I were at a history grant to rant and rail against that teacher claiming that the history grant was the reason her kid failed. We have been doing this grant for 3 years. She never claimed the History grant was a problem for our writing scores before. In fact the other teacher's students did all the grade level writings AND 3 additional papers. So her son got more writing instruction than the rest of the kids. Before they took the writing test, he had told her several times he was concerned with his writing because he doesn't write enough. She admitted she had not worked with him at all. Then when that teacher told her when they took the test, her son did not write enough. Her response was "Oh well, he made that decision. If he fails, he fails." Then he did. And now, it is the other teachers fault.

What bothers me the most is she ranted for over a half hour when she knew he was gone. I am sure no one stood up to her. If I had been there I would have said something. I would have shut that down and now it is too late. I am just furious. No one is safe. There is no trust. It is gone.

And here I am- Disappointed. Disappointed in her leadership, her choice to bash her co workers, her not owning her child's choices, her not helping her child when she was asked to, in her not living up to my expectations.

Sigh.

good teacher

You know that movie bad teacher? The one with the gorgeous Cameron Diaz. She really is  a bad teacher. I thought watching that movie would piss me off, but I had a good laugh with it. I was able to take of my "teacher hat" and just enjoy.

That is a really strange and barely related introduction to the post that has  to do with  the ridiculousness that is my job. This is the first time since I have been teaching that I have wondered if this is the job for me? OK wrong question, this is definitely the job for me, but is it the job I want to do? Again- wrong question because I desperately want to do my job, and do it well. Maybe the question is Can I do this job any more?

I was telling my cousin this weekend, as his phone rang off the hook from his job, that it was such a blessing that no one calls me after I leave school to ask me to do my job some more. Sure, if I was a glutton for pain, I could check my e-mail. I am and I usually do. But it is not mandatory and no one expects me to do anything about the e-mail they send after hours until the next day. I take that back, there are a few crazies out there who can't understand why I cant provide a multiple choice make-up test the very next day when they e-mail me at 11 pm.  But again- few and far between. Anyway, so I am watching him take these calls, most of which I feel if the person on the other line had tried, they themselves could have handled the task, and I realize there is no perfect job.

I could teach college, but the hours would suck in a different way. AND I would have to go to school to get my PhD. That would be way expensive. I have a girl friend who teaches the "teaching" class at her local high school. That seems like a really sweet deal.

I would love to work for a text book company, but no one is buying text books these days- I know we haven't had an adoption in 5 years. Our reading books are about 10 years old- at least. There is a lady who comes to our grant training, and shows us how to use the materials we purchased as a grant. She is a former teacher and seems to have a lot of fun.

In reality, I am not going anywhere. I am going to stay a teacher. Continue grading papers. Still disciplining, encouraging, and bonding.

whatta trip

Man, I missed my family.
I was away getting my learnin' on. I am a participant in a National History Grant for teachers. We affectionately call it the TAH (Teaching American History.) I had 3 days of classes about local history and how it relates to Civil War. Our focus the last two years has been using primary resources in the classroom. Then we left for a whirl wind tour of battlefields and DC. IT has been completely fascinating and exhausting at the same time. 

I have been really excited about this trip and taking pictures. There is another teacher who is a part of the grant who is also a photographer. She forgot her camera last year and I have gotten the cold shoulder from her since. I don't know if I am reading too much into her behavior and the reasons. I am not used to smiling at someone and not receiving one back, even in courtesy. I am a people person at heart, and it really bothers me when I don't know why people don't instantly love me. (I exaggerate.) I kid, I kid, but I would like to know what (if anything) I did, so that I can (a) correct my mistake and (b) not do it again. Over time I have learned that sometimes I have done things that have hurt other people's feelings,  and I genuinely had no idea it was happening until they told me. I take those things to heart, and I take them very seriously. I do no want to be the cause for anyone else's pain, stress, or frustration.

Anyway, she had her camera this trip, and she warmed a little bit to me through the trip. The girl she hangs out with was very nice to me, so that makes me think she is not talking bad about me. Maybe she has had a hard year, I know her hubby is in the military. Maybe the fact that I am/have been pregnant bothers her, maybe they have had issues. I know that I can be an attention hog sometimes, and that could totally rub someone the wrong way. This forum is hard for me too, because I really enjoy history. Also, I am very comfortable with the people in the group, so sometimes I will crack jokes in the seminars (always appreciated with a hearty laugh.) I can say that by the end of the trip, she was at least returning my smile.

I am just glad to be home with my family. I missed the little man and the hubby. I missed my mom.
Now to recover, it really was a busy week.