sweet summa time

It is officially summer. We started with illness... as most summers do. I have some sort of sinus gunk I am determined to kick homeopathic-ly. Baby boy (who is now almost 2 yikes) has croupe. Little man had is big toe run over by a rocking chair and with all the blood clotting issues he has me worried because it is still oozing, 5 day later. The dr took a blood sample to check his clotting time again. Which was normal, but now I am not so sure. We are waiting for them to call some time today probably.

But I have BIG plans for this summer. It WILL not get away from me again. Mondays and Fridays I will have my nephew. Tuesdays is our tentative swim date with a friend from work with her twins. Wednesdays there is toddler play at the rec center down the street. Thursday is craft day (along with Monday because I want the nephew to do these things too!

There is a week very soon that the boys will go to VBS with me. I will teach, Little man is registered and Baby Boy will be in the nursery. We are talking about an epic nap week. Then shortly after that the Hubbs and I are going to Vegas for the American Library Association's annual conference. We will be there 4 days for his conference. Which means I will be lounging by the pool and window shopping while he is doing "library things." The awesome news I just received is that a friend of mine will be there at the same time, so it will be cool to hang out with her. So I won't be so alone... eep.
I really am going to have a good time. We are staying past the conference for a few days to do some touristy stuff. We are going to rent a car and drive to Hoover Dam... supa pumped about that. Grand canyon fun times ahoy. (Can you tell we have been watching Jake and the Never Land Pirates a lot?)

There is a wedding and a baby shower. Lots of photo sessions sprinkled throughout.

I tend to put on a few pounds in the summer becuase I do a lot of TV watching. Not this year friends... I am going to do better. I am going to keep busy and I will get the most out of this time with my boys.

what is it?

So there is all this research to back up what most of us already know. The "everyone wins" mentality just ill prepares children for adulthood.

My parents let me struggle (although everyone did get a trophy the one year I played soccer, but it is a team sport... and we did win....) But I was also told how awesome I was. So I have an administrator who is making me feel un-awesome. Is it because I am ill prepared for criticism'?

I have not been  as good as I should have been at paper work. I am doing the work.. I just have sloppy files. One admin tells me that it is just one of those things. We just have to prove our work. And that was that. I left feeling empowered to do better. The admin who is actually in charge of the files... makes me feel like an idiot for missing a coversheet. What is worse, is now he is constantly checking in on me. Like daily.   And every time he does it makes me feel untrusted and incapable of doing my job. I took his advice directly, and he still is trying to hold my hand. Even if I don't agree with it 100%, I did not do it right the first time, so best to follow the bosses advice. Not that it necessarily bad advice, I just don't think it will work in this case.

He sat in on a meeting (which he would have been invited to anyway) and I felt like I had to look at him constantly to make sure I was saying the right thing, or  asking the right questions or if my ideas were valid. This is where he brought up the idea to change things that I don't really agree with. I have a very distinct feeling that the other admin would agree with me (basically because he has said  as much in the past.) But how do I do that... with out going behind admin 1's back? And if I am right, how do I bring that up?

I feel stupid and incapable- My confidence is gone... this is a first for me.

Identities

So I am the kind of dork that listens to NPR all the time. Who would have guessed?!
There as a story that was talking about all our identities. Our labels. Our "identities," if you will.

So I have sooo many hats. so many identities.

I have spent quite a lot of time trying to figure out how to order them... I just don't know. There really is not a true order to this. I feel like if Christian is not first, then I am betraying my faith. If Mommy is not first, I am betraying my kids.

So here it is in absolutely NO order.

Teacher, Christian, Mommy, Wife, daughter, niece, cousin, best friend, the secret weapon, photographer, thinker.

There are times when each of those has been really hard, times when I did not think I could be those things, and sadly times when I did not want to be those things.

Just because something is your identity, does not it is what you are 100% of the time. Who can do that? Who can be "on" all the time?? Not me.

This year I have questioned my title of teacher quite a bit. It has been a very challenging 2 years. It has gotten better in recent months, but boy oh wow, it was work to get here. I take GREAT pride in being a teacher and it felt like an identity crisis  when I questioned it.

Like Who was I? I had that same insecure feeling you get when you are contemplating breaking up with a long time boyfriend/girlfriend. You (well,at least I would) would start to think, but how will I find someone as good? I am not good enough for something better/different.

And the truth of it is- I have no idea what I would do if I left teaching. It is not like there is huge job market in the first place. I think I would like to work for a text book company developing curriculum. I can sell...

In all honesty, things have gotten better and I don't want to run for the hills screaming any more. But, at the same time, the feeling is not completely gone either.

As a Christian my biggest challenge is to remember to continually develop my faith, because that task is never done. I am a fervent prayer. But my study is weak. I need to know my bible better.

I LOVE and adore my children. I miss them after I put them to bed and feel like my heart will burst when I am away from them. BUT when #2 is crying in the cart at the department store for solve-able reason, and # 1 is demanding Thomas the Train on my phone, and all I want are a pair of jeans that actually fit. I need a moment. I need a moment before I become "that" mom in public. Not to say I haven't been, nor that it may happen again, but breathing is so very important.

My husband and I have a solid relationship, mostly because he is wonderful. Sometimes he is so wonderful, I don't realize I have been selfish. I have to make sure I am doing for him as much as he does for me, he deserves it, we deserve it.

Those are the hardest for me. The others have challenges, but they don't keep me up at night.

I just need to be conscious, so I can be better.

Fall

I am so glad it is fall!!

It has always been my favorite season. When I was little it was because my birthday is in fall.
As I have gotten older it has more to do with the season of food!

But I really do love fall for all its wonders. The cooler weather. The beauty of the trees. The smell of burning leaves. All of it... and my brithday.

I guess that is an only child thing.

Anyway- Happy Fall Y'all

Just a little

I just had a moment.

There was something on pintrest about turning 30.

And I had a moment.

My stomach got tight and I though... 1 month...

I have never been worried about age. A teacher I worked with when I was in high school was a very smart woman who was worthy of looking up to.

She talked about how she was determined to grow old with grace. She found out early in her marriage that she would not have children. She was blessed with many nieces and nephews that she loved like her own. She had an aunt (I think) that died quite young, and this particular aunt was very obsessed with looking young. When she passed, this teacher said that she would embrace age. God has given her every year, and she is going to appreciate all that he is giving her.

I really took that to heart, and I too want to age with grace*

So I am taking this moment, putting it to the blog, and then letting it go.

I am turning 30. I have always acted like an old lady, so 30 is not that big of a deal.

a kinder soul

Our pastor gave us a set of little red dots. They to simply remind us to pray. I put one on the corner of my phone, and I feel like I have done a pretty good job at sending up a small something when I see it.

I heard something on the radio this morning that made me want  to more.

It made me want to be a light.

I don't think I have been a light lately. I have been so stressed and it has made me quite egocentric.

My husband has been amazing. He has done laundry. He has done dishes. He has been kind.
I just let him.

I need to be better to him, our home, our boys, my students.

I need to be a light.

I need to be a light to my coworkers.

I need to be a light and warm place for my students.

I need to be a light, warm place, and open arms for my husband.

I will do more, I will do better, by the grace of God, I will be the light.

Our home cleaning strategy

So we have a new strategy for keeping our house in shape-
 A steady stream of guests.

That is is- fear of embarrassment. Social Pressure.
 Because internal motivation sure isn't doing it.

So we have been making plans for every weekend and so far it has worked- AND we actually get to see people.

So we will see how this grand plan continues to carry out.

Along those same lines. I had a dream that a teacher from work was over at my house and she spilled a glass of water in my bathroom. So she took it upon herself to clean the ENTIRE bathroom. These things are called dreams for a reason right?

It is either going to be very good or very bad

I was asked to do some Bou Dior pics for a girl whom I did her engagement pictures not too long ago.
She was mostly concerned if I would be comfortable with doing them. That is not a problem.

The problem is I don't know how I will do.

I put in a google image search for them. I always do this for new ideas. I was prepared to get some raunchy pics.

Actually the pics were soooo great... or soooooo bad. Just bad photography, bad lighting, bad angles.

When I see senior portraits or newborn pics- I see a range. Some are just bad, some are ok, some are great, some are AMAZING- I WISH I COULD DO THAT AMAZING.

but the bou dior pics... just great or AWFUL. like no one should have put their trademark on them bad. They should not be on a website. I would not make someone pay for them bad.

No middle ground.

Oh lord. let me be good at this genre.

I am terrified

So I am so scared. I am so scared I will not "do" this year right.

I have moved grade levels.

I am now the special ed host for the new grade level.

I will be departmentalized.

I will have gifted kids at the same time.

I am scared parents are after me already.

I am getting e-mails already, and I am afraid I will answer them wrong.

I am afraid I will tell them the right thing, but then everything will change (possibly getting another teacher on the grade level, who is teaching what, our over all scheduel,) and I will look like I didn't know the right answers, so I made them up.

I am worried that the teacher that will be getting my special ed babies for the other subjects will not be nice to them. (he had a reputation)

I am sad that I will not see my work wives as often.

I am worried, I will not be good enough, prepared enough, or just plain ready.

Confessions of failed gardener

These are my confessions:

The total haul from my garden so far is 5 beans. Those were the most expensive beans I have ever eaten. 

My neighbor gave me my tomato plants, and he has huge juicy tomatoes. I have pretty yellow flowers that never turn into tomatoes. 

When my neighbor made a special trip to my house to show off his cool looking tomatoes, I kinda wanted to show him a green bean. And then shove it in his nose, but then I would only have 4 green beans. 

When people show their amazing veggies they are harvesting from their own gardens, I realize that I should have more than yellow flowers. I seriously still thought I should still be waiting for veggies/fruit. 

Every time I buy tomatoes it makes me slightly violent. Inside my head violent. Like throwing a 2 year old style tantrum in the store, throwing tomatoes against the wall and yelling "It's not Fair!!" 

The biggest confession of all, I should have put my garden in the middle of the yard like my mother suggested. Sigh

Mission

Little man is with his grandma today and tomorrow so I am getting things done. 

Changing some old drawers into shadow box shelves. Redesigning baby boys part of our room to be a closet/storage area. Laundry, of course. Feeling productive today. Sometimes it is easier with only 1 kid. I feel like I am channeling one Queen Lucy with my creativity and  goals. It doesn't hurt that I got a box full if books today from the hubby in Chicago.  New books always remind me if her. There is something about a box full of books that boosts my spirit. 

Back to it!

perspective

This is a summer of healing and mental preparation.

I am healing from the emotional beating I took from my classroom this year. I did not realize how much it affected me until I was completely removed from it all. I think they call that perspective. 

At the time, I knew I was stressed. I knew I was frustrated. I knew I felt like crying from those 2 factors. I knew my kids' parents did not raise them well. I knew I did an excellent job at teaching them. My scores showed that, their kind letters told me that and their hugs and tears showed me that. But, my body's reactions to normal classroom suggestions tell me that I did not handle my stress well.

When we were given iPads, my first thought was- there is no way I can give this to kids. They will break it, look up bad things and misuse it in every way.
No- No they won't. You had a few kids last year who wouldn't be trusted to breathe in the same room as the iPad, but you don't have those kids anymore. In fact you are going to have sweet babies who will benefit from these iPads.

One of my favorite things it to set up my room. I NEED to do this. My room was packed and moved in about 25 minutes on the only day of pre planning. So yeah- it NEEDS to happen. In fact it needs to happen with a committee of about 3 people. But alas- It will be me feeling overwhelmed... so I don't want to. I don't want to because I am afraid it will cause me anxiety. .

More healing- Time- More healing.

New York, New York

New York City, uh huh
Center of the universe,
sing it girl  
Times are shitty But I'm pretty sure they can't get worse, I hear that.

Give my regards to Broadway
Remember me to Herald Square
Tell all the gang at Forty-Second Street
That I will soon be there

Loving one who loves you,
And then taking that vow...
Nice work if you can get it,
And if you get it --
Won't you tell me how 

 

I was in New York last week. It was an amazing time! I was up there to study the gilded age, immigration, and industrial revolution. We had lectures from some of the best professors at Harvard and Yale. And one guy from the iron works who nearly put us all to sleep with a lecture, on a bus, in the rain, talking about obscure boats that were built a long time ago, before the place nearly shut down. 

We had LOTS of good food and even better company.

I was famous on Good Morning America. Totally.  Josh Elliot totally hugged me. That. Really. Happened.

We were show stoppers on Broadway. No really we stopped the show and made the company laugh. Mathew Broderic looked right at us. We laughed at a joke about the south- really loudly- and clapped- an whooped. and Matthew Broderic stopped- looked at us and then couldn't get his line back. While the rest of the cast proceeded to crack up. It took him nearly a minute to get to the second part of the joke. We. Were. Show. Stoppers.

 

I am the master of the subway. As long as it is the 1 line. 

 

I saw people act like New Yorkers and felt like a cultural anthropologist. 

I felt cool.

Long life

So last month's National Geographic had a baby on the cover who was about the same age as my baby boy. The cover line was "Will this baby live to be 120? Science says probably."

120? That is a stinking long time. The article show that genetic sociologists have identified communities with people who are quite old and quite healthy. Through that identification they have found specific genes that prevent diabetes and heart disease. The implication is they will be able to "fix" other people's genes to prevent these types of diseases and therefore they will live longer.

All that aside, it got me thinking about do I want to live to be 120? Do I wish that for my children?

I look at my mother who is not yet even 60 and she has had 2 knee replacements and has a myriad of physical and health issues that make living quite painful for her. The things she has wrong are totally non life threatening, but life is not so awesome with them. I don't think she wants to live another 60 years with those things. I don't want her to suffer with diabetes or heart disease, but my question is not here. It lies with the other factors that make life stink. Now if this research finds ways to get rid of dementia or alzheimer's, then I will quite satisfied.

With the exception of a few, most people can not work past 65 or 70, especially if they worked in physically demanding fields. Mentally, your brain starts to diminish its capacity around the same age. It is a natural part of aging. So do we want to live in a world where we still exist 50-60 years after our bodies and minds stop functioning at top capacity and begin to diminish?

This world is hard, heaven is a promise. Is it a good thing to put off seeing the glory of God for sooooo long?  My mother has told me on many occasions she is praying for the end of this world and the second coming of Christ. I used to not like that idea. I wasn't ready. I wanted to get married have kids, see the world. But now that I know a little more about the bible and about the hardships of life, if I could spare my children the difficulties of life and give them Heaven instead- yes. Absolutely.

Feeling philosophical lately. Maybe it is my quiet moments...

Quiet time

I find myself seeking out quiet moments.

I haven't ever NEEDED quiet times.

I don't know if it is the chaos of 2 boys under 3.
I don't know if it is the obscenely stressful teaching year I have had.
I don't know if is the uber connected-ness of social media.

I walked the dogs out yesterday and sat down near the end of the driveway. The hubby poked his head out the front of the door, laughed, and asked what in the world I was doing.

I didn't have a good answer. I mean, I know what I was doing, but I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want to admit that I wanted to be away.

Just figured that out...

I feel bad that I want some time, but I shouldn't.

but I do.

So I'll tell you what I'll do. I will continue to take my moments, but now that summer is here, I will get an extended version during nap time. I'll get some moments while they play in the pool.

I'll go for walks in the evening (with bug spray of course.)

Until Baby Boy decides to sleep past 5:30 am, I won't be getting up before him for that time.. nope.
Sleep is higher up on the Mommy-has-needs chain than "quiet moments."

Some things don't change I suppose.

update on Grace

Well I failed miserably... two words. Field Day...

I lost my "grace mantra" when a student just wasn't listening and nailed another student with a mini lacross stick at a water game.

it was the 3rd station.

and then it was downhill from there.

Let me go back- I LOVE field day... usually.

This year I was not looking forward to it and it lived up to all my expectations. All of them...

sigh.

I did manage to keep my grace mantra with my moody diabetic student. He was angry because he couldn't play the water games, he was angry because there wasn't a nurse at break time to get the carb count for the Gatorade. I talked him into playing the other games, talked him out of anger at other students for absolutely nothing, and I didn't scream yell and drag him out of the lunch room when he called another student's mother a Bitch.

I got an administrator to do that.

I did show grace when mom was treating us to McDonalds yesterday.

There was a car stopped before the drive through and people were slowly getting out.. Like SLOWLY.

In the mean time a woman started backing out of her parking place and was going to hit my car. I tapped the horn to let her know I was there, so she would stop. One of the guys getting out of the car gave me a dirty look, so I pointed to the lady backing into me. I don't think he understood.

When the older guy who was moving slow got out- he gave me the finger... with both hands.

Here is where my grace came in- so proud of myself...

I rolled down my window...

thought about my grace and my kids in the back seat

and told him that I was sorry, but I wasn't honking at him, but rather the old woman who nearly backed into me.

He apologized and asked for forgiveness. I said thank you and pulled into the drive through.

Where I lost my grace with the woman who had no idea how to work a double lane drive through and caused 3 cars to get ahead of us while the boy screamed for fries.

So 1 out of 3... better than none right?

Grace

It is easier to bestow grace on others, when those others show grace to you.
That is a true story.

So an addendum to my last post, the person I was disappointed in has been quite kind to me lately. I started to think that maybe I was too hasty in my blog rant. But as I stepped back and took a look around, I realized she has just redirected her attention to the teacher who just was honored as teacher of the year.  Lots and lots of little snide comments. Everything she says or does is "ok teacher of the year." "thats because you are teacher of the year..." We all can feel her heat, we just ignore it.

So I realized at that moment, it is easy for me to start to show grace to this teacher when I thought she was getting better.

And I also realized that I was not being true to my character that I believe I have.

Yes, maybe I should remove myself a bit from that person, but I should make sure that she knows that she is loved and appreciated. I shouldn't be angry with her (even for my friend's sake.)

I just received some news at work that is going to dramatically challenge me as an educator. Nothing bad, just really challenge me. I am still processing it, and I don't have much liberty to discuss it right now. But I promise it will be a topic worth exploring.

Back to being a better me.

I need to remember at all times I am example to children and my peers. My personal children, my students, my friends, my professional community all see me. I want them to see me as the Christian I know I can be. So my new mantra until it becomes a part of my soul is Grace for everyone. Be the light.

Disappointed

So I know how I just wrote this whole thing on how my personality type thinks the best of people and they tend to bristle if they think they are not going to reach my expectations and how that is not how it really is. I will just lift them up if they fall short in my eye- which isn't even the right way to say it. Most people don't fall short- I just see opportunities to help, not to look down on.

So that is not entirely true. If someone does something that is WAY below them. If someone I trust and expect the best out of does something truly low, I do become disappointed.

So my grade level has a leader who is our "go to" person. They have bi monthly meetings with administration, they lead our team meetings. They are supposed to be organized and set the tone for our group. Sounds like a general description of anyone in a mid level leadership position.

When I first met this person, I felt we had a lot in common. She stepped up when my car broke down and I needed a ride to work for a month.

Over the last 5 years, she has slowly slipped lower and lower in my rank of people I want to be in the same room as. Here is another thing you have to understand. I will stick with someone, even if it is not good. Boys always break up with me, I am not the one to break up. I will hold on the scraps of a friendship because I feel there is always something worthy in that friend, even if we have drifted. But, I think I need to distance myself as much as possible, or I may be the recipient of her wrath very soon.

Her personal life is kind of mess. Her hubby is a loving man, but he doesn't keep a job. Consequently, they are behind on their bills. She has 2 older boys but then had 2 miscarriages before having her youngest boy who is the same age as my baby boy.  She has a rocky relationship with her mom and sisters. So she takes this stress out on us.

It started with me when I was in a different grade level and announced I was pregnant. This was after her first miscarriage (which was later in her pregnancy.) I was then told that she had a second miscarriage and to stay away from her. She was angry with me. This I TOTALLY get. for real. She must have been in a lot of pain and seeing me made it fresh again. I completely avoided her, didn't wave in the hall. I didn't make a big deal of myself, down played when others did, and she was around. I didn't want to be the cause of her pain.
 Shortly after she found out she was pregnant with her youngest, I found out I was too. I thought it was something we could share together. Apparently not. I quickly found out pregnancy made her grouchy and snappy. I wasn't always susie sunshine, but everyone was always wrong and in her way. I think she was resentful to me because she wasn't getting all the pregnancy attention.  She felt she deserved it more because of her 2 losses in the past 2 years. Now here I was again, getting the attention also. So I had to avoid her again. Only this time we were on the same grade level. Much more difficult. When she went out on maternity leave at the end of the year, we carried on. When she came back at the very end of the year, she was surprised that we didn't call her for anything. But the way she said it, she was pissed that we didn't call her for anything.

One of my personality things  said that I will confront people if I feel slighted. More than once I had to tell her that I felt she was unduly snappy with me. Her response wasn't "Sorry, blah blah blah" it was "Oh, you always think I am picking on you." ok...

Fast forward. More of the same. One of my best friends on our grade level received Teacher of the year. I can not tell you how much she deserved it. Beyond deserves it. THe grade leaver was pissed.. Visibly angry that her co worker that she has worked with for 5 years, and seen how hard she works, won and not her. The coworker left right after the announcement for a luncheon. Our grade leader canceled our meeting that afternoon and left right after school. She then started giving the, very deserving teacher of the year, the cold shoulder and was snappy at her. When my friend stated that she hoped that only 6 of her special ed babies was going to fail the standardized test (this was a good thing, 14 of them failed the year before.) Our leader responded with "Why so many?" When my friend explained that number is actually very low and a good thing, the leader responded under her breath thinking no one could hear "teacher of the year, huh?" I wanted to smack her in her face. I was so furious. and I don't usually have that impulse to hit...

Last week her son was the ONLY kid in a different teacher's class to fail the writing test. In fact that teacher had 6 exceed (more than anyone else in the grade level combined.) She waited until that teacher and I were at a history grant to rant and rail against that teacher claiming that the history grant was the reason her kid failed. We have been doing this grant for 3 years. She never claimed the History grant was a problem for our writing scores before. In fact the other teacher's students did all the grade level writings AND 3 additional papers. So her son got more writing instruction than the rest of the kids. Before they took the writing test, he had told her several times he was concerned with his writing because he doesn't write enough. She admitted she had not worked with him at all. Then when that teacher told her when they took the test, her son did not write enough. Her response was "Oh well, he made that decision. If he fails, he fails." Then he did. And now, it is the other teachers fault.

What bothers me the most is she ranted for over a half hour when she knew he was gone. I am sure no one stood up to her. If I had been there I would have said something. I would have shut that down and now it is too late. I am just furious. No one is safe. There is no trust. It is gone.

And here I am- Disappointed. Disappointed in her leadership, her choice to bash her co workers, her not owning her child's choices, her not helping her child when she was asked to, in her not living up to my expectations.

Sigh.

Personality

So I have taken MANY personality quizzes over the years. For different jobs, for college, for fun. I took one today out of a book. Like the WHOLE book was about this specific personality test. It is similar to the Briggs Myers, but asks questions about long term and personality where Briggs Myers is more for "this time in your life."
So I almost always have the same results. A leader, a teacher, open to listening, optimisitc... blah blah blah. So I was not anticipating much else. However, this was a whole book on the 16 personalities, whoa. I had 3 pages of explanation of my personality type, as opposed to the 2-3 sentence summary I have been given in the past. It was so much better able to express what I have known most of my life and more specifically what I have learned about myself in the last year.

So firstly I was classified as a "Teacher." However, it emphasizes that they are not assigning jobs, but rather personality classification. Even more importantly, less than 2% of the population falls into this category and, in fact, most teachers do not go on to be actual teachers, even though they are very well suited for the job. Many go on to be great orators: media personalities, ministers and the like. So basically, I should have been Pope, but you know, I don't do hats.

It did blather on about things I did know. Highly interpersonal and intrapersonal.  I can read others and I am specifically good at reading myself. Which I am. Even if I can not put my finger on it, I know when something is off with someone. Probably why I notice when people are preggers before they announce, or even know themselves. (so I am not psychic after all, just observant to the tiniest changes hmmmm.) I can always figure out why I am reacting the way I am, sometimes not right away, but I can always figure out my emotions afterward. Even when I start to get depressed, I sit an analyze myself and get my butt up and going before it gets too bad. I always know when an anxiety attack is coming and can head it off with medication and meditation. Not always both are needed though...

One thing it did say was that my personality type believes that they are "instinctively understood and communication is naturally accepted. Because of this they are surprised and often hurt when their intentions are misconstrued. Most of the conflicts they find themselves in are usually resulted from being misunderstood and these conflicts are often resolved quickly because they are so good at communicating for themselves."

Boy is that true. There are many benign things that I have said, that I meant them the way I said them. BUT, people read way more into it and I end up the bad guy. Completely blind sided. Now, there are times when I was snarky and bitchy, but those times NEVER result in the confrontation that my benign things do. I know when I am being bitchy and I usually apologize. My hubby is usually the recipient of that.

One thing that is dead on is that this personality type is deeply empathetic. So much so that they become over involved in others personal issues and take on the emotional state of others. I do. I hate to see those I am close to go through any emotional distress and I become their personal therapist. BTW that is another one of the jobs, this personality type should go into.

Overall we (my personality type) have high expectations of everyone. Not the kind that no one can live up to kind, but rather that everyone is going to be their best person. A positive side of this is that the people around them strive to live up to that expectation unconsciously (I think this applies to the Hubby.) The negative side is that people assume I will be mad or upset if they don't. The book says it perfectly of how others react to my expectations. "... (they) doubt that they can live up to such and exulted conception of themselves, unaware that Teachers are their boosters, not their critics." And that is it. If someone didn't do their absolute best- I wouldn't be mad or disappointed, I would lift them up, encourage (and probably try to fix it.)
 I think I realized this last part within the last year. There are some people in my life that don't tell me when things go wrong, or if they mess up. And I wasn't ever able to figure it out. Why do they hide things from me? Why didn't she tell me they broke up? When did they quit their job? I always assumed it was because I was untrustworthy or not a close enough friend. (Which hurt my feelings.) Now I realize that I have somehow exuded that I expect perfection or excellence and will be disappointed in less. But how exactly do I do that? How do I make someone else feel bad, when I am really trying to lift them up by telling them how wonderful they are. How do I stop doing it? Even being aware that it is happening- I can't pin point it. What do I currently say or do that I should stop doing or saying?
I think I do this to my sister-in-law. I think she is incredible. They fell in to a hard place. They live with my in-laws. But, they are doing everything they should. Working hard, trying to find a good home for their son, they love and take care of each other. But she says the most awful competitive things. Going as far as to say to the hubby "I will get a better house than you." She made it sound like she was kidding, but she wasn't. I even asked her if her goal was to make her brother jealous. She said yes. I wanted to tell her that it wasn't going to work because he wasn't a jealous person. And mean it just that way. Even if they both got Ah-mazing jobs that paid out the wah-zoo, bought an amazing house and their kid grew up to be a rhodes scholar- her brother would simply be happy for them. But I knew if I said that It would be interpreted as "It won't work because we will always be better than you." She is insecure, but she isn't (for the most part) the -lash-out-at-you-becuase-you-have-what-she-wants. She is more the sibling rivalry kind of insecure. The hubby has always been more book smart than her and that is all she can focus on. She is very smart, she is gorgeous, she is a wonderful mother and aunt to the boys, she is a very hard worker with an amazing talent for leadership. I wish I could make her see that with out making her feel like she is going to fail if she doesn't do all those things all the time.

Another element to all this that I am realizing that I am pretty smart. I honestly never thought of others as beneath me intellectually.  I am able to carry on conversations with friends from high school, who in hindsight were in the special ed program, and enjoy myself. We laugh, cry, discuss serious things and I was never bored or annoyed. I have engaged in conversation with professors and educators that I would consider highly intelligent and above me on the intellectual level  and been told that they "really enjoyed our conversation." The latter was quite recently and has revealed to me that I can hold my own. I feel like when I talk with "smart people" I am faking it... lol Like I am getting away with something. I am almost scared they discover I am not as smart. However, I am realizing that I am a bit more intelligent than I give myself credit for.

I had a conversation with a long time friend a few months ago about magazines. When they described their magazines, I was jealous because I liked the ones they got and I often eye them in  the check out line but never buy. When I described mine,the response was "we don't get smart magazines like that." I was really taken aback. I never thought of National Geographic or Smithsonian as "Smart." They just sparked my interest. Are these the kind of things that make people think that I think they are not good enough? I don't know.

 I just want people to know that I have no desire to make others feel bad. In fact, it is just the opposite. I want everyone to feel loved and good.

Deep down I am a solid believe in Love.

Secret

I bought wrinkle/firming cream today.

What a follower.

No really, my eyes are all droopy and such.

So embarrassed that I even feel I need it.

I didn't even tell the hubby.

Only you guys.