It is either going to be very good or very bad

I was asked to do some Bou Dior pics for a girl whom I did her engagement pictures not too long ago.
She was mostly concerned if I would be comfortable with doing them. That is not a problem.

The problem is I don't know how I will do.

I put in a google image search for them. I always do this for new ideas. I was prepared to get some raunchy pics.

Actually the pics were soooo great... or soooooo bad. Just bad photography, bad lighting, bad angles.

When I see senior portraits or newborn pics- I see a range. Some are just bad, some are ok, some are great, some are AMAZING- I WISH I COULD DO THAT AMAZING.

but the bou dior pics... just great or AWFUL. like no one should have put their trademark on them bad. They should not be on a website. I would not make someone pay for them bad.

No middle ground.

Oh lord. let me be good at this genre.

I am terrified

So I am so scared. I am so scared I will not "do" this year right.

I have moved grade levels.

I am now the special ed host for the new grade level.

I will be departmentalized.

I will have gifted kids at the same time.

I am scared parents are after me already.

I am getting e-mails already, and I am afraid I will answer them wrong.

I am afraid I will tell them the right thing, but then everything will change (possibly getting another teacher on the grade level, who is teaching what, our over all scheduel,) and I will look like I didn't know the right answers, so I made them up.

I am worried that the teacher that will be getting my special ed babies for the other subjects will not be nice to them. (he had a reputation)

I am sad that I will not see my work wives as often.

I am worried, I will not be good enough, prepared enough, or just plain ready.

Confessions of failed gardener

These are my confessions:

The total haul from my garden so far is 5 beans. Those were the most expensive beans I have ever eaten. 

My neighbor gave me my tomato plants, and he has huge juicy tomatoes. I have pretty yellow flowers that never turn into tomatoes. 

When my neighbor made a special trip to my house to show off his cool looking tomatoes, I kinda wanted to show him a green bean. And then shove it in his nose, but then I would only have 4 green beans. 

When people show their amazing veggies they are harvesting from their own gardens, I realize that I should have more than yellow flowers. I seriously still thought I should still be waiting for veggies/fruit. 

Every time I buy tomatoes it makes me slightly violent. Inside my head violent. Like throwing a 2 year old style tantrum in the store, throwing tomatoes against the wall and yelling "It's not Fair!!" 

The biggest confession of all, I should have put my garden in the middle of the yard like my mother suggested. Sigh

Mission

Little man is with his grandma today and tomorrow so I am getting things done. 

Changing some old drawers into shadow box shelves. Redesigning baby boys part of our room to be a closet/storage area. Laundry, of course. Feeling productive today. Sometimes it is easier with only 1 kid. I feel like I am channeling one Queen Lucy with my creativity and  goals. It doesn't hurt that I got a box full if books today from the hubby in Chicago.  New books always remind me if her. There is something about a box full of books that boosts my spirit. 

Back to it!

perspective

This is a summer of healing and mental preparation.

I am healing from the emotional beating I took from my classroom this year. I did not realize how much it affected me until I was completely removed from it all. I think they call that perspective. 

At the time, I knew I was stressed. I knew I was frustrated. I knew I felt like crying from those 2 factors. I knew my kids' parents did not raise them well. I knew I did an excellent job at teaching them. My scores showed that, their kind letters told me that and their hugs and tears showed me that. But, my body's reactions to normal classroom suggestions tell me that I did not handle my stress well.

When we were given iPads, my first thought was- there is no way I can give this to kids. They will break it, look up bad things and misuse it in every way.
No- No they won't. You had a few kids last year who wouldn't be trusted to breathe in the same room as the iPad, but you don't have those kids anymore. In fact you are going to have sweet babies who will benefit from these iPads.

One of my favorite things it to set up my room. I NEED to do this. My room was packed and moved in about 25 minutes on the only day of pre planning. So yeah- it NEEDS to happen. In fact it needs to happen with a committee of about 3 people. But alas- It will be me feeling overwhelmed... so I don't want to. I don't want to because I am afraid it will cause me anxiety. .

More healing- Time- More healing.

New York, New York

New York City, uh huh
Center of the universe,
sing it girl  
Times are shitty But I'm pretty sure they can't get worse, I hear that.

Give my regards to Broadway
Remember me to Herald Square
Tell all the gang at Forty-Second Street
That I will soon be there

Loving one who loves you,
And then taking that vow...
Nice work if you can get it,
And if you get it --
Won't you tell me how 

 

I was in New York last week. It was an amazing time! I was up there to study the gilded age, immigration, and industrial revolution. We had lectures from some of the best professors at Harvard and Yale. And one guy from the iron works who nearly put us all to sleep with a lecture, on a bus, in the rain, talking about obscure boats that were built a long time ago, before the place nearly shut down. 

We had LOTS of good food and even better company.

I was famous on Good Morning America. Totally.  Josh Elliot totally hugged me. That. Really. Happened.

We were show stoppers on Broadway. No really we stopped the show and made the company laugh. Mathew Broderic looked right at us. We laughed at a joke about the south- really loudly- and clapped- an whooped. and Matthew Broderic stopped- looked at us and then couldn't get his line back. While the rest of the cast proceeded to crack up. It took him nearly a minute to get to the second part of the joke. We. Were. Show. Stoppers.

 

I am the master of the subway. As long as it is the 1 line. 

 

I saw people act like New Yorkers and felt like a cultural anthropologist. 

I felt cool.

Long life

So last month's National Geographic had a baby on the cover who was about the same age as my baby boy. The cover line was "Will this baby live to be 120? Science says probably."

120? That is a stinking long time. The article show that genetic sociologists have identified communities with people who are quite old and quite healthy. Through that identification they have found specific genes that prevent diabetes and heart disease. The implication is they will be able to "fix" other people's genes to prevent these types of diseases and therefore they will live longer.

All that aside, it got me thinking about do I want to live to be 120? Do I wish that for my children?

I look at my mother who is not yet even 60 and she has had 2 knee replacements and has a myriad of physical and health issues that make living quite painful for her. The things she has wrong are totally non life threatening, but life is not so awesome with them. I don't think she wants to live another 60 years with those things. I don't want her to suffer with diabetes or heart disease, but my question is not here. It lies with the other factors that make life stink. Now if this research finds ways to get rid of dementia or alzheimer's, then I will quite satisfied.

With the exception of a few, most people can not work past 65 or 70, especially if they worked in physically demanding fields. Mentally, your brain starts to diminish its capacity around the same age. It is a natural part of aging. So do we want to live in a world where we still exist 50-60 years after our bodies and minds stop functioning at top capacity and begin to diminish?

This world is hard, heaven is a promise. Is it a good thing to put off seeing the glory of God for sooooo long?  My mother has told me on many occasions she is praying for the end of this world and the second coming of Christ. I used to not like that idea. I wasn't ready. I wanted to get married have kids, see the world. But now that I know a little more about the bible and about the hardships of life, if I could spare my children the difficulties of life and give them Heaven instead- yes. Absolutely.

Feeling philosophical lately. Maybe it is my quiet moments...