Even as a kid- I knew grown ups had it hard. I had a keen sense that I had it good.
I did want to hit those milestones-
later bed time
learner's permit
job
driver's license
right to vote
legally drink
I knew that my parents hated paying bills, they were stressed over finances, and they had to take care of my aging grandfather.
There are things I never expected to encounter-
friends divorcing
friends loosing pregnancies
friends loosing children
friends committing suicide
The latter happened to me today. A friend from college. He was an acquaintance. If I ran into him at wal-mart we would spend 5 minutes catching up, and then move on. I was friends with him on facebook.
His wife gave birth to twin girls just a few months ago. He posted sooooo many pictures of those girls. So many.
He was a pastor at a church.
He shot himself in the head.
There are so many more tragedies I will encounter. I knew those things listed would happen- statistical inevitability, but I didn't realize I was the age when these things would start happening.
At what age do you stop playing grown up and become an actual grown up?
When you have children?
When you get married?
When you turn 29?
When you get a real job?
The first time you stop and realize you are a grown up.
I think that is the answer.
I had that today.
I have kids (almost 2 years.)
I have been married for 6 years.
I am 29- since October.
I have had a real job for 7 years.
Today I am a grown up. What else comes with being a grown up? Friends with cancer. Friends dieing. Friends getting divorced.
But what else comes with it? The good- So much good.
Friends having sweet babies.
Triumphs and successes of our children.
Triumphs and successes of friend's children
Job promotions
New ventures
Books to be written
Dances to learn
smiles to be shared.
The good far out weighs the bad. Always remember this- The GOOD far outweighs the bad- ALWAYS.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
my loves
Feeling the love today.
Loving my husband.
Who got up early with baby boy even though it wasn't his turn yesterday morning.
Who loves his job.
Who is good at his job.
Who supports me no matter what crazy idea I come up with.
Who wants me to get my PhD.
Who wants to read my book.
Who loves our boys.
Who will do the dishes when I feel crappy.
Loving The Boy.
Who put himself down for a nap today.
Who decided that he wasn't ready for a nap, so he got a book and read to himself for 20 minutes.
Who when he was done reading, called "Mama! Mama!"
Who when I entered the room he smiled and laid down. and whispered "mama."
Loving the Baby Boy
Who nuzzles me when I pick him up.
Who gives the most bright smile that radiates through the room.
Who turned over today.
Who has the most squeezeable cheeks.
Feeling the love today.
Also- they are napping.
:)
Loving my husband.
Who got up early with baby boy even though it wasn't his turn yesterday morning.
Who loves his job.
Who is good at his job.
Who supports me no matter what crazy idea I come up with.
Who wants me to get my PhD.
Who wants to read my book.
Who loves our boys.
Who will do the dishes when I feel crappy.
Loving The Boy.
Who put himself down for a nap today.
Who decided that he wasn't ready for a nap, so he got a book and read to himself for 20 minutes.
Who when he was done reading, called "Mama! Mama!"
Who when I entered the room he smiled and laid down. and whispered "mama."
Loving the Baby Boy
Who nuzzles me when I pick him up.
Who gives the most bright smile that radiates through the room.
Who turned over today.
Who has the most squeezeable cheeks.
Feeling the love today.
Also- they are napping.
:)
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
a book
So I have had the idea for a book bouncing around in my head for about a week.
I am full of random fancies like this, but this time this idea did not go ahead and bounce itself out of my head.
The concept is to tell a story completely through facebook. Wall postings- private messages- photos shared- checking in- games played- profiles- It is going to be YA fiction. I have 9 pages written. I have never been this motivated to write before. I have had 100 plot lines I have thought through since I was 3, and this one really is blooming.
I was inspired by these support group pages. When super storm sandy worked its way through GA a few months ago, the only person hurt was a small boy named Tripp Halstead. He was critically injured when a tree fell on his head at his day care. His parents set up a "Tripp Updates" FB page. When I discovered it, I went all the way to the beginning, and read it straight through . I did the same with a woman who's husband has set up a page when she had a seizure, fell into a coma,had to have her baby delivered via c-section, and he had to return from Afghanistan early. There are months worth of updates on her support page showing her steady improvements. I was completely engaged.
So I thought- What if there was a whole novel written this way. Where the reader was challenged to fill in the gaps. What if they were surprised when they were wrong, affirmed when they were right? So much of our lives are played out in social media. My main character would be an average high school girl, maybe a little kinder than the rest. divorced parents. evil stepmother, game obsessed brother. Balancing job, college decisions, boyfriend, friends and family. Then there would be an accident. Not sure if it is going to be her fault via txt and driving (avoiding that b/c I don't want this to be a morality play on the woes of txting and driving- plus Glee already did that) or if she is going to be hit. If she is hit, then what of the other person? Should they have been drunk? Or texting? Will they live? Will they die? All of these decisions are going to dramatically effect my main character. I know her injuries are going to potentially paralyze her. She will walk again- but it is going to be a very long journey and the book will not end with her walking across the stage to graduation. More likely it will end with the reader knowing she will walk again.
I need to do research. I need to know what hosp do when they have someone with a spinal injury. I need to know what the rehab is like.
Before that I need to be more aware of how teenagers talk and use FB. I have a few teenagers on my friends list, but they are far from typical.
I can develop the characters. I can make you like them and hate them. I can make you go- what the heck are they thinking. But I need to hash out this plot.
This is a very big undertaking and I am fully aware of the time and energy I am going to need to put into this. That is why I am giving myself a year. Once a week I will write. On breaks. I will write more often. You will be my accountability partner.
I think starting a blog has given me the fuel to write. Thanks Lucy.
I am full of random fancies like this, but this time this idea did not go ahead and bounce itself out of my head.
The concept is to tell a story completely through facebook. Wall postings- private messages- photos shared- checking in- games played- profiles- It is going to be YA fiction. I have 9 pages written. I have never been this motivated to write before. I have had 100 plot lines I have thought through since I was 3, and this one really is blooming.
I was inspired by these support group pages. When super storm sandy worked its way through GA a few months ago, the only person hurt was a small boy named Tripp Halstead. He was critically injured when a tree fell on his head at his day care. His parents set up a "Tripp Updates" FB page. When I discovered it, I went all the way to the beginning, and read it straight through . I did the same with a woman who's husband has set up a page when she had a seizure, fell into a coma,had to have her baby delivered via c-section, and he had to return from Afghanistan early. There are months worth of updates on her support page showing her steady improvements. I was completely engaged.
So I thought- What if there was a whole novel written this way. Where the reader was challenged to fill in the gaps. What if they were surprised when they were wrong, affirmed when they were right? So much of our lives are played out in social media. My main character would be an average high school girl, maybe a little kinder than the rest. divorced parents. evil stepmother, game obsessed brother. Balancing job, college decisions, boyfriend, friends and family. Then there would be an accident. Not sure if it is going to be her fault via txt and driving (avoiding that b/c I don't want this to be a morality play on the woes of txting and driving- plus Glee already did that) or if she is going to be hit. If she is hit, then what of the other person? Should they have been drunk? Or texting? Will they live? Will they die? All of these decisions are going to dramatically effect my main character. I know her injuries are going to potentially paralyze her. She will walk again- but it is going to be a very long journey and the book will not end with her walking across the stage to graduation. More likely it will end with the reader knowing she will walk again.
I need to do research. I need to know what hosp do when they have someone with a spinal injury. I need to know what the rehab is like.
Before that I need to be more aware of how teenagers talk and use FB. I have a few teenagers on my friends list, but they are far from typical.
I can develop the characters. I can make you like them and hate them. I can make you go- what the heck are they thinking. But I need to hash out this plot.
This is a very big undertaking and I am fully aware of the time and energy I am going to need to put into this. That is why I am giving myself a year. Once a week I will write. On breaks. I will write more often. You will be my accountability partner.
I think starting a blog has given me the fuel to write. Thanks Lucy.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Yeah. Yeah.
My oldest son is about a month away from being 2. When he doesn't know the answer to a question he just answers "yeah." It is a very non-committal, "yeah, whatever" kind of answer.
He knows what yes and no mean. If you ask him a question that he knows the answer should be no, he will answer no. Do you want to go to bed? - No Do you want to go in the car? No
So he has been answering Yeah and No to questions consistently for about 2 months. We assumed that when he answered Yeah, he was answering the question. But it seemed to me he was overly agreeable for an almost 2 year old... So we started asking random questions that the answer should not be "Yeah"
Our test questions-
Do you see Isla? (our dog) "Yeah" She was no where near us
Is Nonna here? "Yeah" again- not near us...
oh no... this is not good...
Is there a purple dinosaur standing in front of you? "Yeah"
Thus began the fun of asking him questions for our entertainment.
So here are some of the things we have asked him...
If Daddy farted, would you eat it? "yeah"
Do you want to ride Isla like a horse? "Yeah"
Want to party like a rock star? "yeah"
Want to ride the ceiling fan? "Yeah"
Do you see a winged monkey? "Yeah"
At Christmas we told the family about our overly agreeable son... They had fun with it too...
His Uncle Kyle asked him "Are you having fun?" "Yeah" "Is Papa an asshole?" "Yeah"
Great...
He knows what yes and no mean. If you ask him a question that he knows the answer should be no, he will answer no. Do you want to go to bed? - No Do you want to go in the car? No
So he has been answering Yeah and No to questions consistently for about 2 months. We assumed that when he answered Yeah, he was answering the question. But it seemed to me he was overly agreeable for an almost 2 year old... So we started asking random questions that the answer should not be "Yeah"
Our test questions-
Do you see Isla? (our dog) "Yeah" She was no where near us
Is Nonna here? "Yeah" again- not near us...
oh no... this is not good...
Is there a purple dinosaur standing in front of you? "Yeah"
Thus began the fun of asking him questions for our entertainment.
So here are some of the things we have asked him...
If Daddy farted, would you eat it? "yeah"
Do you want to ride Isla like a horse? "Yeah"
Want to party like a rock star? "yeah"
Want to ride the ceiling fan? "Yeah"
Do you see a winged monkey? "Yeah"
At Christmas we told the family about our overly agreeable son... They had fun with it too...
His Uncle Kyle asked him "Are you having fun?" "Yeah" "Is Papa an asshole?" "Yeah"
Great...
Saturday, December 29, 2012
A trip to the ER
So my anxiety got the best of me today.
I walked upstairs to do some cleaning. Upon arriving at the top of all 4 stairs, I got sick to my stomach and I had this sudden and severe pain in my shoulder that radiated up my neck and down my arm. I was so nauseous that I seriously thought I was going to puke on the floor. My arm felt weak and I was shakey. I came down stairs and immediately looked up pain in right arm. Of course, I got all the scary heart attack websites. I was hitting 3 out of 5 symptoms. ER they said. ER I said.
But, I tell you what. You tell the staff at a hospital that your arm hurts, is numb, and you are experiencing general weakness- you don't have to wait in a waiting room...
So after peeing in a cup, having blood drawn and having stickies on my boobs they said my heart and gall bladder were ok. They took shoulder and chest x-rays and believe that I had seriously injured my shoulder at some point - don't even ask me, I am the clumsiest person on earth. It has healed incorrectly. And now it looks like there is something preventing my shoulder from being in the correct place. As for the nausea, and lethargy - panic attack- which I can easily agree with. Stress probably.
The ER doc didn't say it- but I know that what he really wanted to tell me was to stop cleaning. No really. I have been scrubbing and cleaning getting ready for a party that no one could come to anyway. So the disappointment of my party falling through and the stress planning and cleaning for one before said party fell apart = anxiety.
So my arm still hurts. I can take motrin, and go see an orthopedic if the problem persists. So $150 later, my arm hurts because I jacked it up at some point and aggravated it. THis is a much better solution that ignoring it and being wrong about a heart attack.
I blame the PSA ads about women heart attacks.
So- Funny story while I was in there. The x-ray tech was having me move for pics. She had me put the top of my hand on my hip thus forming the "handle" from "I'm a Little Teapot." So while she was walking away I felt the need to start singing "I'm a Little Teapot." She stopped, laughed and told me that in her 14 years of asking people to put their hand in that position, no one has ever made that reference. I thought I was pretty awesome at that point. Then my arm started aching from holding it in that position.
So a bit of light to my crappy day.
I walked upstairs to do some cleaning. Upon arriving at the top of all 4 stairs, I got sick to my stomach and I had this sudden and severe pain in my shoulder that radiated up my neck and down my arm. I was so nauseous that I seriously thought I was going to puke on the floor. My arm felt weak and I was shakey. I came down stairs and immediately looked up pain in right arm. Of course, I got all the scary heart attack websites. I was hitting 3 out of 5 symptoms. ER they said. ER I said.
But, I tell you what. You tell the staff at a hospital that your arm hurts, is numb, and you are experiencing general weakness- you don't have to wait in a waiting room...
So after peeing in a cup, having blood drawn and having stickies on my boobs they said my heart and gall bladder were ok. They took shoulder and chest x-rays and believe that I had seriously injured my shoulder at some point - don't even ask me, I am the clumsiest person on earth. It has healed incorrectly. And now it looks like there is something preventing my shoulder from being in the correct place. As for the nausea, and lethargy - panic attack- which I can easily agree with. Stress probably.
The ER doc didn't say it- but I know that what he really wanted to tell me was to stop cleaning. No really. I have been scrubbing and cleaning getting ready for a party that no one could come to anyway. So the disappointment of my party falling through and the stress planning and cleaning for one before said party fell apart = anxiety.
So my arm still hurts. I can take motrin, and go see an orthopedic if the problem persists. So $150 later, my arm hurts because I jacked it up at some point and aggravated it. THis is a much better solution that ignoring it and being wrong about a heart attack.
I blame the PSA ads about women heart attacks.
So- Funny story while I was in there. The x-ray tech was having me move for pics. She had me put the top of my hand on my hip thus forming the "handle" from "I'm a Little Teapot." So while she was walking away I felt the need to start singing "I'm a Little Teapot." She stopped, laughed and told me that in her 14 years of asking people to put their hand in that position, no one has ever made that reference. I thought I was pretty awesome at that point. Then my arm started aching from holding it in that position.
So a bit of light to my crappy day.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry Christmas
I think blogger read my last post because the next day they had an update for mobile devices where you can save drafts. There is a Santa.
As cool as that it, I am typing this from the trusty ol laptop.
My in-laws came over for our gift exchange because the hubby's grandparents like to draw names. Which really only works out for them. EVERYONE else buys gifts for everyone, but them. They have the money to get gifts. I don't think they are doing it to be cheap, I think it is easier for them this way. Honestly and Truly.
The Hubby's Nanna doesn't like to leave the house. Her youngest child died just a few months before we got married. He was 35 and had a heart condition. He lived in Boston. He died alone in his apartment. He hadn't come down for Christmas the previous year. She, understandably, has been devastated. She lets it eat at her. Last night she talked about how Mike is furious with her for being that way. She went through a very serious depression for about 2 years after he first died. I don't think it has totally lifted.
The Hubby's Aunt acts like an 80 year old woman. She walks with a walker and is all hunched over. She always has some new ailment and is forever sick. Now she is just lazy and/or cheap. I know she orders all sort of crap off the internet for herself. She didn't even get my children a gift. For as long as my hubby can remember they have made egg ornaments for everyone. But that was never the gift. It was a tradition. This year her gifts to the boys were "special" eggs. They had the boys initials in glitter.
I could care less if they get me something, but don't leave the kids out. This year the boys were still too young to notice or care, but soon they will. Maybe not next year, but definitely the year after.
I feel like I am being bitchy. But I have been so frustrated for so long because of that whole end of the family's selfishness. My mom never let anything ruin Christmas for . NOTHING. It seems like every year there is some drama to bring everyone down.
I am grateful that the Hubby and I agreed that we wanted to have our Christmas in our house. Just us. That way there is always a sacred hour of pure happiness for our children where they are shielded from the drama.
As cool as that it, I am typing this from the trusty ol laptop.
My in-laws came over for our gift exchange because the hubby's grandparents like to draw names. Which really only works out for them. EVERYONE else buys gifts for everyone, but them. They have the money to get gifts. I don't think they are doing it to be cheap, I think it is easier for them this way. Honestly and Truly.
The Hubby's Nanna doesn't like to leave the house. Her youngest child died just a few months before we got married. He was 35 and had a heart condition. He lived in Boston. He died alone in his apartment. He hadn't come down for Christmas the previous year. She, understandably, has been devastated. She lets it eat at her. Last night she talked about how Mike is furious with her for being that way. She went through a very serious depression for about 2 years after he first died. I don't think it has totally lifted.
The Hubby's Aunt acts like an 80 year old woman. She walks with a walker and is all hunched over. She always has some new ailment and is forever sick. Now she is just lazy and/or cheap. I know she orders all sort of crap off the internet for herself. She didn't even get my children a gift. For as long as my hubby can remember they have made egg ornaments for everyone. But that was never the gift. It was a tradition. This year her gifts to the boys were "special" eggs. They had the boys initials in glitter.
I could care less if they get me something, but don't leave the kids out. This year the boys were still too young to notice or care, but soon they will. Maybe not next year, but definitely the year after.
I feel like I am being bitchy. But I have been so frustrated for so long because of that whole end of the family's selfishness. My mom never let anything ruin Christmas for . NOTHING. It seems like every year there is some drama to bring everyone down.
I am grateful that the Hubby and I agreed that we wanted to have our Christmas in our house. Just us. That way there is always a sacred hour of pure happiness for our children where they are shielded from the drama.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Been a while
So it has been a while, but not really. I have started like 5 posts, but my phone app won't let me save drafts. So the bloggerverse gets the short end of the stick on that one.
It seems inappropriate to blog about anything but the Sandyhook tragedy.
I am broken.
But I was almost broken so much more.
Baby boy has an angel care monitor under his mattress. Just like his big bro. It goes off all the time when he moves to a corner. So when it went off again, I walked the 15 feet to the other side of our partitioned bedroom to check on him.
I touched his face- no response.
I picked him up- his head flopped back
I listened- no breath
I patted (quite aggressively) he whined.
I cried out for the hubby.
He took baby boy- I collapsed sobbing and praying. Thanking God for saving my baby boy.
Thanking God for the over indulgent purchase that only a silly first time mother would by. -Yes, I was called just that when describing my purchase 2 years ago.
So tonight as I climb the stairs to his room for the fourth to put the pacifier back in his mouth as he screams because it fell out, - again- I thank God I am climbing the stairs to a crying baby, not to an alarm.
SIDS is just that Sudden Infant Death Syndrome- because they can find no other reason for them dying. They just stop breathing. He was on his back, he had a pacifier, everything they say to do.
But he is ok- and I will always tell an expectant mother to buy one- it was worth every penny and I would pay it again every day if it meant that I can keep my boys safe.
It seems inappropriate to blog about anything but the Sandyhook tragedy.
I am broken.
But I was almost broken so much more.
Baby boy has an angel care monitor under his mattress. Just like his big bro. It goes off all the time when he moves to a corner. So when it went off again, I walked the 15 feet to the other side of our partitioned bedroom to check on him.
I touched his face- no response.
I picked him up- his head flopped back
I listened- no breath
I patted (quite aggressively) he whined.
I cried out for the hubby.
He took baby boy- I collapsed sobbing and praying. Thanking God for saving my baby boy.
Thanking God for the over indulgent purchase that only a silly first time mother would by. -Yes, I was called just that when describing my purchase 2 years ago.
So tonight as I climb the stairs to his room for the fourth to put the pacifier back in his mouth as he screams because it fell out, - again- I thank God I am climbing the stairs to a crying baby, not to an alarm.
SIDS is just that Sudden Infant Death Syndrome- because they can find no other reason for them dying. They just stop breathing. He was on his back, he had a pacifier, everything they say to do.
But he is ok- and I will always tell an expectant mother to buy one- it was worth every penny and I would pay it again every day if it meant that I can keep my boys safe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)