sweet summa time

It is officially summer. We started with illness... as most summers do. I have some sort of sinus gunk I am determined to kick homeopathic-ly. Baby boy (who is now almost 2 yikes) has croupe. Little man had is big toe run over by a rocking chair and with all the blood clotting issues he has me worried because it is still oozing, 5 day later. The dr took a blood sample to check his clotting time again. Which was normal, but now I am not so sure. We are waiting for them to call some time today probably.

But I have BIG plans for this summer. It WILL not get away from me again. Mondays and Fridays I will have my nephew. Tuesdays is our tentative swim date with a friend from work with her twins. Wednesdays there is toddler play at the rec center down the street. Thursday is craft day (along with Monday because I want the nephew to do these things too!

There is a week very soon that the boys will go to VBS with me. I will teach, Little man is registered and Baby Boy will be in the nursery. We are talking about an epic nap week. Then shortly after that the Hubbs and I are going to Vegas for the American Library Association's annual conference. We will be there 4 days for his conference. Which means I will be lounging by the pool and window shopping while he is doing "library things." The awesome news I just received is that a friend of mine will be there at the same time, so it will be cool to hang out with her. So I won't be so alone... eep.
I really am going to have a good time. We are staying past the conference for a few days to do some touristy stuff. We are going to rent a car and drive to Hoover Dam... supa pumped about that. Grand canyon fun times ahoy. (Can you tell we have been watching Jake and the Never Land Pirates a lot?)

There is a wedding and a baby shower. Lots of photo sessions sprinkled throughout.

I tend to put on a few pounds in the summer becuase I do a lot of TV watching. Not this year friends... I am going to do better. I am going to keep busy and I will get the most out of this time with my boys.

what is it?

So there is all this research to back up what most of us already know. The "everyone wins" mentality just ill prepares children for adulthood.

My parents let me struggle (although everyone did get a trophy the one year I played soccer, but it is a team sport... and we did win....) But I was also told how awesome I was. So I have an administrator who is making me feel un-awesome. Is it because I am ill prepared for criticism'?

I have not been  as good as I should have been at paper work. I am doing the work.. I just have sloppy files. One admin tells me that it is just one of those things. We just have to prove our work. And that was that. I left feeling empowered to do better. The admin who is actually in charge of the files... makes me feel like an idiot for missing a coversheet. What is worse, is now he is constantly checking in on me. Like daily.   And every time he does it makes me feel untrusted and incapable of doing my job. I took his advice directly, and he still is trying to hold my hand. Even if I don't agree with it 100%, I did not do it right the first time, so best to follow the bosses advice. Not that it necessarily bad advice, I just don't think it will work in this case.

He sat in on a meeting (which he would have been invited to anyway) and I felt like I had to look at him constantly to make sure I was saying the right thing, or  asking the right questions or if my ideas were valid. This is where he brought up the idea to change things that I don't really agree with. I have a very distinct feeling that the other admin would agree with me (basically because he has said  as much in the past.) But how do I do that... with out going behind admin 1's back? And if I am right, how do I bring that up?

I feel stupid and incapable- My confidence is gone... this is a first for me.

Identities

So I am the kind of dork that listens to NPR all the time. Who would have guessed?!
There as a story that was talking about all our identities. Our labels. Our "identities," if you will.

So I have sooo many hats. so many identities.

I have spent quite a lot of time trying to figure out how to order them... I just don't know. There really is not a true order to this. I feel like if Christian is not first, then I am betraying my faith. If Mommy is not first, I am betraying my kids.

So here it is in absolutely NO order.

Teacher, Christian, Mommy, Wife, daughter, niece, cousin, best friend, the secret weapon, photographer, thinker.

There are times when each of those has been really hard, times when I did not think I could be those things, and sadly times when I did not want to be those things.

Just because something is your identity, does not it is what you are 100% of the time. Who can do that? Who can be "on" all the time?? Not me.

This year I have questioned my title of teacher quite a bit. It has been a very challenging 2 years. It has gotten better in recent months, but boy oh wow, it was work to get here. I take GREAT pride in being a teacher and it felt like an identity crisis  when I questioned it.

Like Who was I? I had that same insecure feeling you get when you are contemplating breaking up with a long time boyfriend/girlfriend. You (well,at least I would) would start to think, but how will I find someone as good? I am not good enough for something better/different.

And the truth of it is- I have no idea what I would do if I left teaching. It is not like there is huge job market in the first place. I think I would like to work for a text book company developing curriculum. I can sell...

In all honesty, things have gotten better and I don't want to run for the hills screaming any more. But, at the same time, the feeling is not completely gone either.

As a Christian my biggest challenge is to remember to continually develop my faith, because that task is never done. I am a fervent prayer. But my study is weak. I need to know my bible better.

I LOVE and adore my children. I miss them after I put them to bed and feel like my heart will burst when I am away from them. BUT when #2 is crying in the cart at the department store for solve-able reason, and # 1 is demanding Thomas the Train on my phone, and all I want are a pair of jeans that actually fit. I need a moment. I need a moment before I become "that" mom in public. Not to say I haven't been, nor that it may happen again, but breathing is so very important.

My husband and I have a solid relationship, mostly because he is wonderful. Sometimes he is so wonderful, I don't realize I have been selfish. I have to make sure I am doing for him as much as he does for me, he deserves it, we deserve it.

Those are the hardest for me. The others have challenges, but they don't keep me up at night.

I just need to be conscious, so I can be better.

Fall

I am so glad it is fall!!

It has always been my favorite season. When I was little it was because my birthday is in fall.
As I have gotten older it has more to do with the season of food!

But I really do love fall for all its wonders. The cooler weather. The beauty of the trees. The smell of burning leaves. All of it... and my brithday.

I guess that is an only child thing.

Anyway- Happy Fall Y'all

Just a little

I just had a moment.

There was something on pintrest about turning 30.

And I had a moment.

My stomach got tight and I though... 1 month...

I have never been worried about age. A teacher I worked with when I was in high school was a very smart woman who was worthy of looking up to.

She talked about how she was determined to grow old with grace. She found out early in her marriage that she would not have children. She was blessed with many nieces and nephews that she loved like her own. She had an aunt (I think) that died quite young, and this particular aunt was very obsessed with looking young. When she passed, this teacher said that she would embrace age. God has given her every year, and she is going to appreciate all that he is giving her.

I really took that to heart, and I too want to age with grace*

So I am taking this moment, putting it to the blog, and then letting it go.

I am turning 30. I have always acted like an old lady, so 30 is not that big of a deal.

a kinder soul

Our pastor gave us a set of little red dots. They to simply remind us to pray. I put one on the corner of my phone, and I feel like I have done a pretty good job at sending up a small something when I see it.

I heard something on the radio this morning that made me want  to more.

It made me want to be a light.

I don't think I have been a light lately. I have been so stressed and it has made me quite egocentric.

My husband has been amazing. He has done laundry. He has done dishes. He has been kind.
I just let him.

I need to be better to him, our home, our boys, my students.

I need to be a light.

I need to be a light to my coworkers.

I need to be a light and warm place for my students.

I need to be a light, warm place, and open arms for my husband.

I will do more, I will do better, by the grace of God, I will be the light.

Our home cleaning strategy

So we have a new strategy for keeping our house in shape-
 A steady stream of guests.

That is is- fear of embarrassment. Social Pressure.
 Because internal motivation sure isn't doing it.

So we have been making plans for every weekend and so far it has worked- AND we actually get to see people.

So we will see how this grand plan continues to carry out.

Along those same lines. I had a dream that a teacher from work was over at my house and she spilled a glass of water in my bathroom. So she took it upon herself to clean the ENTIRE bathroom. These things are called dreams for a reason right?